Repitition

I don't wish but I often repeat.

I am supported - I wish or not. I cannot wish when it is.

Being what I am, I imagine heaven and it's bliss privately.

We are in prison or zoo and mated publicly by social norm. I am not for, nor against.

I am not for or against my pleasure, like, or pleasure seeking activities. I am not against sensations I receive.

I do not wish to mean more than what naturally my words mean to me or anyone reads them.

I, when listening, am not silent. I do not deny myself. Words are pleasure some time more than silence. I cannot deny myself my feelings, when I am denied.

I am built with clay made from public words. They become loose and naturally peel off.

I cannot be silently watching loss of me, my body, senses, or words. I become active - thinking writing or doing.

Can I possibly hasten the pace of loss by observing me and my activities without passing any judgement? I aim to reclaim my innocence.

Last evening I did not go back-yard for watering. It was very dry. Some plants, I bought, were about dying. This morning I got up late. Last night's vessels needed to be cleaned. I was not particularly hungry and it was late. Lot of works were pending. I started to water my money and not plant. I am compelled - my attachment to money.

I have a need for what my money can buy. If only some buys my labor. I wish to build a sun room.

Soham has taken lot of courses on machine learning data analysis and hardware design. I, some time, help him doing his assignments. Some and often they are tough even for his teacher. They keep modifying them to make them simpler. I like this attitude. In internet lot of teaching materials are available. They use them. They try later to solve them. Human learning!

Having finished watering. I brushed my teeth. Poured myself some milk. Helped myself some fruits. Last night I called Chandra. She was hungry for my call. I did not talks to her three months. I thought if I could combine multiple calls. It was not possible. I thought that I could be listening to two people talking. My voice carrier may not allow conference call. She has come back from US. She was contemplating shift to Kolkata. I found now she was not sure. Instead she is looking forward to Ayan's support. He may do something about her immigration. She had sad realization that her Delhi support base is better than her support in USA or Kolkata from her son or sister. It was not her emotional but cool thinking. I stopped talking to her. It helped her mind to survive on Present as support than Promise. This time on her own she terminated her call saying go to bed now. She sadly said she has to do all work herself!

I sent a longish SMS to Jamaibabu. One cannot be satisfied by criticizing environment or people. Instead his expectations must reduce after his 87 years tenure in this planet. He talked less, even though repetitive. He was busy eating breakfast sent by his tenant. I called Mejo Baudi and she has not returned from Darjeeling.

Do I have to satisfy my desire no matter how? Am I not trying to be the laziest person on earth and not remain a prisoner of people?

I may wish others to forget; while I have unforgettable memory. I create my world from my memory. 

Memory is my (Noah's) ark!

Can I forget all? Do I need to recreate this planet this universe or this world again? I have memory even after my death! I am immortal.

I am aiming 'no memory'. Inactive. silent.