My search for god heaven freedom truth

My search for god heaven freedom truth have conclusively ended.

I may indulge in the same game I have been playing for 68 years with guilt or without guilt.

I am also making my dead mother happy. That I have publicly performed this. If any one is interested in searching for them, my writings may help since for sure the search do end with answers.

I did read Upanishads ~ the words of ancient thinkers on this topic.

I have had abundance of self doubts but I never abandoned search.

World is all wrong ~ that is alright!

Truth is neither right nor wrong ~ it is the only light that lit world.

I am free of memory and I do no long remember.

self dharma simulation intelligence ~ revisited

It is about 100 years ago Fisher formulated predictive intelligence based on observations. He was of course limited by technology. Although we have not improved upon his theory but we are today able to make observations via satellite or observations from ground based equipment that can be used for prediction for years to come. When I did Narmada Sagar simulation I was limited by only 25 years hourly data.But I could construct Dam Canal and their operation by optimizing some benefit function.


Today when I simulate a child and observe him or her daily activities. I transparently see their observations database and their recollection and eventual operations. They learn toys how to operate as well as play various music or render voices to tune.


In a way they learn to observe and get simulated output in a predictable manner. Lot of learning activity and time passing activities by them in natural way by way of experiments and observations by them. I also observe them when they are sleeping - they are recording activities paused.


I am an automation and filing cabinet for my observational data useful for my simulation and activities. Some observations I no longer simulate because of unpleasant (disappointing) experience. Why simulate unpleasantness?


I do have a choice - NO SIMULATION.


I am talking about my intelligence. ~ filing of observations indexed by events in my life and tagging the events and observation in a chronological manner in (sequence). I also filed a large failure in prediction that I could not verify because of lack of observations by me and via communications over unreliable channel. Even then I could not stop my simulation.


I wish to predict but often there is no way to see correctness of my prediction.


I realize now it is stupid of me to simulate. It is useless activity. I was once so absorbed in simulation that I realized I have no control over me to do something far important that gives me horse power to do simulation. I stopped Food Water Air and was unable to move!


I cannot now go on doing simulation and draw some conclusion. Simulation and correctness are my presumptions. My Observations is all wrong and no longer valid. Narmada water flows are no indication of water flowing down the river now or in future.


Fishers observations were limited to mortal eye observations on various varieties of IRIS flowers. Suppose there is some superior way of identifying any flower to be Iris and non Iris based on more observable criteria and identifying different variety on spanning many years. We can train ourselves flower classification expert. Now we receive another flower and classify it based on our observation model but it can be totally faulty. It may be hoax and not a flower at all except for appearance.


I have stopped observing adults or simulate their behavior. I need not predict. Nor it is satisfying to be correct on my predictions. I certainly wish to limit myself present and observations required to activities I am engaged in and do not look to sell. I am definitely not interested in predicting good bad win loss pain or pleasure - whatever I am NOT WILLING TO LEARN anymore.


I observed Dr. C R Rao, our 95 years old x-director of ISI, that he is still enjoying mean variance and looking to give some lectures. He is very much predictable automaton! Very much motivated by gold money mike and audience. He undertakes travel many thousand miles to give lectures and believes in giving away simulated results as truth. He is still self hypnotized with truth of HIS generalized theory of estimation! He does not ever doubt that he is 100% wrong. A life wasted on the pursuit of wealth an honor. He is blinder than Dhritarastra who had never seen light.


I am past the stage of learning from observation and simulation since I know the results before simulating. I know the end results and I am not curious by my diagnosis or fallibility. I can not be moved by pleasure pain win loss JOY or GRIEF. There is no good and bad.


Based on my observations, I construct a model for an Object. I can go into details to make the object realistic to bluff any person listening to me. However it remains far from being truth. When I simulate, looking to be success or appreciated, I have model for object. I may give it some some randomness on some identified dimension. They are the object's Dharma. I have also made life time observations on me - I have a model of me - it is my Dharma.


Dharma is a differentiator that makes object of its unique kind separate from any other. My body, my mind, my intelligence .... salt sugar air water....


What is my model of me?


I am revisiting another of my writing on Dharma where I possibly wrote 20 Dharma of me. I missed that Dharma that differentiate all other objects from me.


I am container for all object identifiable by me. All objects observable by me or may exist, must always remain within me but separate from me. I am the only object not observable and free. There is no similarity. It is impossible. I notice any object only when it is lit by me and brought to my notice and not otherwise. No objects can ever escape my black immeasurable infinite gravity well. Nothing ever escapes me.


I am not my observations. I am not my observations of my body. I am not my observation of my intelligence. I am not observations of mind. I am not my observations of my senses. I am not my observations of aptitudes. I am not observations of my memory. I am not any of my observation. I am not my conclusions. I am not my model and the only one being so. I possess no memory of me.


I cannot but see all without exception.


[

 I see (realize) my addiction to future prediction and what others think of me knowing fully well there is no others and no future past present or a moment. I do no longer simulate my success or failure with any model of mine on my collection of observation. It is impossible to expect. I know.


I do not think or wish to find out what any is saying or thinking about me. My set of observation is trash. I know.


I do not think what caused any moment and the root cause for any event. I know.


I know nothing - neither good nor bad ever can happen to me. I remain forever imperceptible.

]


Knowing what I know, I trash all my observations. They are no longer or of any use. There is no moment and no future. Only now. I know my Dharma. Is another object? I do not know.


[In case one, it is none but me entirely - my imagination - my simulation - my perception - my prediction.]


Object may not know its Dharma; but I know for sure, it is not anyway my trove of observations. I cannot release him from the object's suffering by doing anything. Nor can I remove his or her or its blindness. I can do nothing but I see all the sufferings. They are only mine.


My intelligence is of no use but blinding obstacle. I can no longer classify any as good or bad. My memory or recollection is of no use. I cannot even sell them as stories. 


What is bad? Is poverty bad? Is there any thing bad - HIV Ebola Famine Rape? Can one exist without my knowledge? Can I ever learn from my observations? Can I ever NOT see?


What is wrong? Is robbing killing cheating lying or harming wrong? Is shame fear anger grief lust failure frustration or sex wrong? Can any wrong be performed without my doing?


Am I doing wrong, if I remember imagine simulate conclude or perform for pleasure? Can I ever do wrong?


Nothing to remember  nothing to forget nothing to expect. All is same and identical despite their dharma ~ bad is good. right is wrong. pain is pleasure. active is inactive thinking is non-thinking........how do I differentiate or research on shadows or my hypotheses on what basis - observations of shadows from superior microscope or superior telescope?



I condone myself, even if none ever does ~ I know I am inhuman selfish rebel harmful fraud culprit liar absconding thief murderer insane maniac greedy hideous ugly physically mentally defective diseased contagious dependent insolvent disabled unsocial wild uncivil pest parasite unchangeable brute raper milf scum skunk ..... bad, worse than worst.


I have no grievance for being so. I accept my self as I am. I accept as I was any time in the past. I accept myself as any perceives or perceived or shall perceive me. I accept whatever I may become in future. I receive all and see all, including un-bearables, in complete silence without choice ~ I am final absolute without peer parent elder co-ordinates now or home.


[

Upanishads: Leader of Senses, Indra, sent Wind to find out about an entity.

Wind introduced himself, "I can blow up trees, house, structures and whatever that may obstruct me."

That placed a blade of grass and asked to blow that. Wind tried hard and then gave up. He informed Indra. Indra now sent Water to find.

"I can flood away mountain with my might", he said.

That placed a blade of grass and asked Water to flood that away. Water tried hard but could not. He came back related this to Indra. Indra now sent Fire to find out.

"I can burn Jungle to ashes with my might", Fire introduced himself. That placed a blade of grass and asked Fire to burn it. Fire failed. He informed Indra about the se could not find That. That was absent.

That is Know-er of Brahman - the broadest mind.

]


all (dharma) is my personal private imagination and non-sharable experience  

---------

enough is enough.
I have no faith in my education and my intelligence. The observations that I have made 68+ years is erroneous and trash. there is no value in it. It is a burden. However I am fully convinced about what I have just stated. I have concluded about my dharma and and what I sense its dharma. What I sese is my hallucination. While I am container of day in day out hallucination - it is trash not collectible and retain-able.  
I am enough. I trash all my memory. I will never recollect any as true or valid now or in future. I trash all witnesses for any past or their analysis. 

I do without all without exception. I do not care if they exist or not - my memories. They are not required now. I detach myself completely from all my memories. I am thoroughly prepared for any future knowing nothing, recognizing nothing, thinking nothing. doing nothing.

I do not remember. 

My neglect

Had I known that my neglect of courses in my final year of MSTAT will be causing me nightmare today after 50 years and without any remission, I would have mastered them even though they were taught by person who had no mastery.

My leaving ISI without Diploma or Degree in my advance studies have not caused me any bad dream. Even in my BSTAT I neglected many courses chiefly economics but they give no incompleteness.

I did not have to take Sanskrit in high school after 8th grade. But that is not dead yet as language for me. Along with Topology Martingale Logic and Measure Theory they attack me, disturbing my sleep many nights. They stop me from returning to my mother and brother Kamal. They are my home and I am unable to reach home and lost.

I lost my daughter several months now. For her convenience she has left me. I have asked her many times to return. She has not. I respect her decision. Although I am very pained with this separation I am mutely suffering. I do not dream her.

I suffer from my neglect of studies in MSTAT and Sanskrit language only. I suffer my incompleteness.

consideration

I have no consideration.

I do not like to make my life hard or pleasant or preserve.

I am averse to doing.

Yet I like to do. I am looking forward to make a sun room subject to cost and my purse. I am very anxious to install 5 ceiling fans. It is not must but must for my sense of completion. I have lots of green house that have to be planted around my house. My summer jobs. I have to complete reading about 100 pages by tonight. I have to finish my tea and talk to Amal before I go for cycling.

Evening I have to do watering planting and seeding.

I do not have heart. I do not have brain. I cannot understand. I cannot learn.

I am happy with my unhappiness. I cannot ask.

Long back I was told a story about a mendicant she read.

He sat for a dinner at a party perhaps uninvited. Author approached him. He got up and left without word and grievance. The manner he left was so extraordinary that the author could not forget. Author fetched him out sitting somewhere under a tree. He went near the mendicant felt some genuine love kindness and relief He followed him to places. Mendicant seem to converse with birds trees or animals. He did not have a name or identity.

I read Paul Brenton and his search for living saints in India. He met Masterda disciple of Ramakrishna at Calcutta. On his way to Bombay to Goa, he was attracted by a Mendicant who made a stop at a farmer's home. This mendicant his fair amount of vision or reading. He asked Paul about his meeting with Masterda. He then asked him return immediately to Bombay and proceed immediately to Maharishi Ramana's Ashram. Paul followed his instruction and ended his search for Mysticism in India.

My meeting with Mendicant self sufficient and discreetly helping by his presence, ended my search for liberation.

Darshan

Be in presence of a perfect liberated soul in person

Seeing is believing

I have not gone for such searching again. I was impressed enough to drown all my life long impressions of pleasure. It is unfortunate that I could do this service to my children Joya Chandra and Maima. I tried but they were not fortunate enough to see a liberated person.

simulation ~ visualization ~ prediction ~ seeing

I have been an Expert on Simulation. People have paid for my services. I have done advanced studies in Simulation. I discover many things by creating simulated data and running actual operation of complex interacting services and its far reaching benefits to people. Besides I do daily life simulation people I know for example me. I indulge heavily computing heavily the losses and benefit I incur being idle or making investment. They give me lot of grief and elation.

It is another name for imagination.

I imagine my naked living in woods and wilderness of Himalayas. Permissive political enforcement in India and perhaps in its neighboring countries do not raise any eyebrows. At places free food is distributed. There are places to rest temples or under tree as long as you can tolerate harshness of wilderness. you may even drop off all or some of your belongings in some Ashram or temple. There places of such deposits. You may carry a little you wish to money glass kerchief or loin cover if ever you come back. you may keep that under a stone or hole of a tree. Reason for coming back lasting memory of comforts.

I have not seen or know of such easy escapades in US. Temperature climate people are too harsh for being naked and living alone outdoor. It is possible to go on hike for those who wish but as usual significant training and equipment you need carry. It is very strenuous and for limited time. You shall get for company like you on your hike. I did go sometimes but do not have appetite any more. It is not escapade without counting time.

I took some time and looked for some places near where I would like visit alone. I do not like flight or hotel. Pleasure driving without schedule. I got into first hurdle after internet search at places pass is required. At places I went where it is not very thrilling to visit again.

My home activities are far more entertaining.

I am simulation specialist. I simulate many environment that do not exist. I have done so for many years as professional. I also name it as my minds eye.

I can simulate myself as nothing and see my world as composed by me as it is since I do not exist my-world-ling or ghost or any entity in future.

I am neutral.

I am neutral to every entity of my-past-present-future world.

I simulate me ~~~ independent neutral time-invariant creator and every moment is unknown unique composition of world with unknown characters with unknown characteristics ~ it is my permanent home

I simulate grief ~~~ Some past moment I frame hang on my present

I simulate joy ~~~ Some future ideas I sketch and plan in my present

I simulate future of my world moment by moment giving them role and characters of my imagined entities ........

I simulate reality ~~~ unbelievable detailed me my mind my body my senses my sensitivity my creature big and small with fascinating variety and offerings ~ my senses sense them and verify my intention and correctness of implementation ~ zero defect 100% accuracy!!!

I simulate among other things What Plants Think, flies think, birds think, bugs think, animal think, human think, what cells think, fungi think, parasite think, disease think. It is my past time to think what others think, what others are thinking about even when they are sleeping or unknown to me or I am unknown. I know all. I just have to spend only a few moments to find out. I simulate reading a book without even opening the book without even going to a library without opening my eyes. I call this simulation - remote learning. I can even simulate feelings of chair table or railway station or car in garage. I simulate mind and mindless. I simulate innocent who never knew never sensed never thought........ I simulate others reading me and their varied reactions and my reactions of their reactions...... I simulate I can not simulate. I simulate none nothing,,,,. I simulate I am not simulating.

I am complete. I am zero defect, meaning of perfection, creator absolute.

I do not have to simulate and when I don't ~ I cannot simulate that ~ I simulate no simulation ~ no knowledge. I am 100% successful. I even simulate my failures and frustrations that are easy.

I am simulating me always me along with all reactions including mine and excluding none.

I simulate my absence no matter what.

I simulate my believe in nothing and unable predict. 

I simulate all and everything.

I see all ~ my simulation or my visualization ~ moments places people thought ~ nothing can escape my full attention

Defense

Whenever or whoever says any word to me no matter what is the content I would not like to defend me with another word or open the communication.

My Line of Defense is in place now:

1. Phones Letters and emails need not be opened no matter what is loss.
2. Physical or mental abuse cannot be returned or analyzed for reason
3. No question need ever be answered and given reason for silence
4. I do what I wish to do me and me alone no matter what is said and who said it
5. I have no reason to get involved with any
6. I do not do what is expected of me no matter what is my loss
7. I hang up on every one without notice without any show
8. I do what I please without any consideration for any
9. I have no future
10. I expect nothing
11. I have no word no defense for my past or my present
12. I do not care if I am dead alive diseased old disabled harmful or contagious
13. I have no defense and unsupported
14. I committed to stop none and nothing
15. I do nothing and prevent nothing
16. I am naked and not hidden or under cover
17. I challenge thee, if you are capable and can, then please eliminate or harm me
18. My arsenal is my silence my inaction till my end
19. I am prepared for loss 

origin

My advise to any one reading me - please don't but write yourself whatever  - if you cannot go naked in public out of your door.

origin of my nakedness is my observation of people surrounding me and their public appearance and my constant itch from clothing and my affordability of the penalty to remain naked.

It is in mind and I am not making any less of it. I have to bear this pain all the time and my muscles are straining for more than 50 decades. My discomfort shows always.

I wish I have some thing original remedy, success from writing to and share with those having my disease. There is not.

I have simple belief from private shallow learning that mathematics is in mind too and not observable in nature - terrestrial or celestial.

That there is no circle of line in the universe. There is no formula or symbol or expression in words in nature but in class room. With or without Paradox, Mathematics is truly NOT true. Similar to machine we are repository to lot of observations. From this observations we can withing margin of errors can predict given my watch, its accuracy out of question at the moment, can say when the sun would rise tomorrow or set today.

Is the discovery of Black hole is due to some mathematical interpolation or extrapolation, or mathematics is due to black hole, black hole is no fiction or assumption or common belief? Black hole exist without mathematics.

From my mind I scattered lot of observations into the sky and used to convince my self - them are mathematical objects of time with other observable properties that can be recorded as per our instruments with their accuracy, that is with errors. Errors may lead to false positive or false negative conclusion no matter how reasonable our hypotheses are.

My experience is my experience - nothing more nothing less. Mathematics is mathematics - nothing more or nothing less. All have their non intersecting separate domains of existence.

All in my mind. My writing is in my mind too and needed by me for the inconvenience of wearing my clothes.

My advise to any one reading me - please don't but write yourself whatever - if you cannot go naked in public out of your door.

Nakedness

I am worried about my nakedness. I cannot keep my nakedness under cover. I am also worry about my nakedness undercover.

I wish to wear my disabilities. I cannot hide that from people. I wish to receive public revulsion to my nakedness naturally with feelings but in silence. My respect for them; my humble admission of my disability that I cannot keep the norm and be one them. I cannot apologize for being me.

I am not looking. I am ashamed of my inferiority. However I wish to bear my shame without any expression.

Rest in peace

I am preparing myself to rest in Peace. I am disturbed about it now.

I cannot care about my immortality after my physical death. There is no honor involved. I do not believe that any living would remember me and shall be dishonoring me that I would like to make a second appearance to defend my honor.

Before death as long I have existence among people, can I rest in peace and I do without wagging my tongue or write or think or act to defend my honor ~ my nakedness - my disability to conduct as per expectation of people around me or maintain my silence and my peace till my death?

How do I prepare myself for my future tenancy on the earth with honor? I know I am disturb about this now.

I have discussed about this for 5 decades publicly. I no longer think this is an honorable discussion for me to carry on publicly. But I cannot stop.

I am not at peace with myself. I am worried about my rental obligation to people and earth. I can not remain silent. While I must.

Belief

Do you believe in existence of God?

Do you believe God is good always and unbiased and doing good for all individually?

Do believe that you can influence God to good for you, by prayer Puja or philanthropy?

Do you believe God protects one from bad?

Is bad not same as good and as good is good and vice versa?

All the mahatmas, I have heard and seen, did not have the convenience of attached bath or restrooms while all the sons of maniacs I know have luxurious bathrooms for their convenience all their life. What makes God so biased towards bad to shower them with plenty; and deprive Mahatmas shelter food water and comforts?

Mahatma is not mahatma when mahatma seeks convenience from exception from perceived bad or undesirable

Anyway I cannot be mahatma ever. I cannot be any. I have to forgo any future or any change. If I am impressed I cannot be unimpressed even when I may fortunately have Alzheimer. The pain of being absolute.

): absolute :(

কাকে দেখাবো  কাকে শোনাবো  কাকে বোঝাবো  
কেও নেই কিছু নেই  
সব আমি  সব সবই বোঝে 
শুধু আমিই  বুঝি  না

যে আমি abnormal 
আমি পাগল  খ্যাপা  পাগল 
আমাকে পাগল বললে 
আমি আরো  খেপে  যাই ।

আমি পাগলামি সারানোর অসুধ খাই  ~
আমি দেখি না  আমি শুনিনা 
আমি থামাই না  আমি বোবা 

আমি ব্যাথায়  ব্যাথা পাইনা 
আমি বুঝি না  আমি ভুলে যাই 
আমি নেই  আমার মূল্য নেই ।।

i no longer pray
i no longer wish
i love all as is
i believe in thee
i do not believe in me

I.. I.. I ...

It is always me.

Sleep awake or dream.

I can never see any but always me.

I cannot think any but only me.

I cannot do but only me.

Is there any ever that is not me?

If there is one, I will never know. If there is evil I will never know. If there is good I will never know. So far so long I have been seeing me sensing me smelling me touching me and tasting me! 

Had I not have had enough of me? Had I not enough thought enough of me? Have I not done enough with me? What more can I do without tiring me exhausting me to see sense taste or hear that can never be anything but self indulgence?

Can I ever succeed in defending me against me?

Forever trapped in Sheesmahal. The gravity and prison that I can never break out.

I am so complete and so irreducible and so hopeless! I am impossible!! For anything to happen I must wait no option ~ I am yin and I am yang in separable ~ I am me and I am my mirror ~ I am and I cannot be ....  I am bound ... so bound that I cannot move ... freedom - impossible!

Trapped within me, I can only distort my vision of me; but if there is any ever not me, I cannot make that any perceive me as per my wish; I cannot even make myself visible ever!!!

....I am a fool who forever is only fooling myself ...

....My senses instead of revealing me my world .... isolates me for ever and imprison me into hallucination ~ my existence in a world that never exists.... 

I have just written the most revolutionary thing ever. While I am aiming at liberation, I realize that I am alone and there is none near me in thousand universe. I am just in the midst of illusions or delusions that run deep through my senses and intelligence. I can engaged with wars and extreme discomforts since I am so capable of fooling myself and I do so frequently. 

And do not repeat this again. Since I know insane and cannot hold my promise even for moment. I am already suffering from Alzheimer. Question is how do I forget.

It is paradoxical - I am to forget all. At the same time, I wish to remember all is me  I love myself. I hate myself. 

I make time to spend time loving me hating me fighting me hurting me ...... I am absolute time invariant ~

I am big and cannot be bigger; I am small I cannot be smaller; I am new I cannot be newer, I am spread, I cannot be confined; I am insane, I cannot be saner; I am hyper sensitive, I cannot be more sensitive; I am senseless and I cannot be more insensitive; I am live and I cannot be livelier; I am all and I cannot reduce; there is none and nothing besides me. I bear unbearable, I have to.

I fear fear. I shame shame. I love love. I hate hate. I lust lust. I grieve grief. I suffer suffer. I know know. I think think. I sense sense. I act act.

I am complete and I cannot be incomplete.