My search for god heaven freedom truth

My search for god heaven freedom truth have conclusively ended.

I may indulge in the same game I have been playing for 68 years with guilt or without guilt.

I am also making my dead mother happy. That I have publicly performed this. If any one is interested in searching for them, my writings may help since for sure the search do end with answers.

I did read Upanishads ~ the words of ancient thinkers on this topic.

I have had abundance of self doubts but I never abandoned search.

World is all wrong ~ that is alright!

Truth is neither right nor wrong ~ it is the only light that lit world.

I am free of memory and I do no long remember.

self dharma simulation intelligence ~ revisited

It is about 100 years ago Fisher formulated predictive intelligence based on observations. He was of course limited by technology. Although we have not improved upon his theory but we are today able to make observations via satellite or observations from ground based equipment that can be used for prediction for years to come. When I did Narmada Sagar simulation I was limited by only 25 years hourly data.But I could construct Dam Canal and their operation by optimizing some benefit function.


Today when I simulate a child and observe him or her daily activities. I transparently see their observations database and their recollection and eventual operations. They learn toys how to operate as well as play various music or render voices to tune.


In a way they learn to observe and get simulated output in a predictable manner. Lot of learning activity and time passing activities by them in natural way by way of experiments and observations by them. I also observe them when they are sleeping - they are recording activities paused.


I am an automation and filing cabinet for my observational data useful for my simulation and activities. Some observations I no longer simulate because of unpleasant (disappointing) experience. Why simulate unpleasantness?


I do have a choice - NO SIMULATION.


I am talking about my intelligence. ~ filing of observations indexed by events in my life and tagging the events and observation in a chronological manner in (sequence). I also filed a large failure in prediction that I could not verify because of lack of observations by me and via communications over unreliable channel. Even then I could not stop my simulation.


I wish to predict but often there is no way to see correctness of my prediction.


I realize now it is stupid of me to simulate. It is useless activity. I was once so absorbed in simulation that I realized I have no control over me to do something far important that gives me horse power to do simulation. I stopped Food Water Air and was unable to move!


I cannot now go on doing simulation and draw some conclusion. Simulation and correctness are my presumptions. My Observations is all wrong and no longer valid. Narmada water flows are no indication of water flowing down the river now or in future.


Fishers observations were limited to mortal eye observations on various varieties of IRIS flowers. Suppose there is some superior way of identifying any flower to be Iris and non Iris based on more observable criteria and identifying different variety on spanning many years. We can train ourselves flower classification expert. Now we receive another flower and classify it based on our observation model but it can be totally faulty. It may be hoax and not a flower at all except for appearance.


I have stopped observing adults or simulate their behavior. I need not predict. Nor it is satisfying to be correct on my predictions. I certainly wish to limit myself present and observations required to activities I am engaged in and do not look to sell. I am definitely not interested in predicting good bad win loss pain or pleasure - whatever I am NOT WILLING TO LEARN anymore.


I observed Dr. C R Rao, our 95 years old x-director of ISI, that he is still enjoying mean variance and looking to give some lectures. He is very much predictable automaton! Very much motivated by gold money mike and audience. He undertakes travel many thousand miles to give lectures and believes in giving away simulated results as truth. He is still self hypnotized with truth of HIS generalized theory of estimation! He does not ever doubt that he is 100% wrong. A life wasted on the pursuit of wealth an honor. He is blinder than Dhritarastra who had never seen light.


I am past the stage of learning from observation and simulation since I know the results before simulating. I know the end results and I am not curious by my diagnosis or fallibility. I can not be moved by pleasure pain win loss JOY or GRIEF. There is no good and bad.


Based on my observations, I construct a model for an Object. I can go into details to make the object realistic to bluff any person listening to me. However it remains far from being truth. When I simulate, looking to be success or appreciated, I have model for object. I may give it some some randomness on some identified dimension. They are the object's Dharma. I have also made life time observations on me - I have a model of me - it is my Dharma.


Dharma is a differentiator that makes object of its unique kind separate from any other. My body, my mind, my intelligence .... salt sugar air water....


What is my model of me?


I am revisiting another of my writing on Dharma where I possibly wrote 20 Dharma of me. I missed that Dharma that differentiate all other objects from me.


I am container for all object identifiable by me. All objects observable by me or may exist, must always remain within me but separate from me. I am the only object not observable and free. There is no similarity. It is impossible. I notice any object only when it is lit by me and brought to my notice and not otherwise. No objects can ever escape my black immeasurable infinite gravity well. Nothing ever escapes me.


I am not my observations. I am not my observations of my body. I am not my observation of my intelligence. I am not observations of mind. I am not my observations of my senses. I am not my observations of aptitudes. I am not observations of my memory. I am not any of my observation. I am not my conclusions. I am not my model and the only one being so. I possess no memory of me.


I cannot but see all without exception.


[

 I see (realize) my addiction to future prediction and what others think of me knowing fully well there is no others and no future past present or a moment. I do no longer simulate my success or failure with any model of mine on my collection of observation. It is impossible to expect. I know.


I do not think or wish to find out what any is saying or thinking about me. My set of observation is trash. I know.


I do not think what caused any moment and the root cause for any event. I know.


I know nothing - neither good nor bad ever can happen to me. I remain forever imperceptible.

]


Knowing what I know, I trash all my observations. They are no longer or of any use. There is no moment and no future. Only now. I know my Dharma. Is another object? I do not know.


[In case one, it is none but me entirely - my imagination - my simulation - my perception - my prediction.]


Object may not know its Dharma; but I know for sure, it is not anyway my trove of observations. I cannot release him from the object's suffering by doing anything. Nor can I remove his or her or its blindness. I can do nothing but I see all the sufferings. They are only mine.


My intelligence is of no use but blinding obstacle. I can no longer classify any as good or bad. My memory or recollection is of no use. I cannot even sell them as stories. 


What is bad? Is poverty bad? Is there any thing bad - HIV Ebola Famine Rape? Can one exist without my knowledge? Can I ever learn from my observations? Can I ever NOT see?


What is wrong? Is robbing killing cheating lying or harming wrong? Is shame fear anger grief lust failure frustration or sex wrong? Can any wrong be performed without my doing?


Am I doing wrong, if I remember imagine simulate conclude or perform for pleasure? Can I ever do wrong?


Nothing to remember  nothing to forget nothing to expect. All is same and identical despite their dharma ~ bad is good. right is wrong. pain is pleasure. active is inactive thinking is non-thinking........how do I differentiate or research on shadows or my hypotheses on what basis - observations of shadows from superior microscope or superior telescope?



I condone myself, even if none ever does ~ I know I am inhuman selfish rebel harmful fraud culprit liar absconding thief murderer insane maniac greedy hideous ugly physically mentally defective diseased contagious dependent insolvent disabled unsocial wild uncivil pest parasite unchangeable brute raper milf scum skunk ..... bad, worse than worst.


I have no grievance for being so. I accept my self as I am. I accept as I was any time in the past. I accept myself as any perceives or perceived or shall perceive me. I accept whatever I may become in future. I receive all and see all, including un-bearables, in complete silence without choice ~ I am final absolute without peer parent elder co-ordinates now or home.


[

Upanishads: Leader of Senses, Indra, sent Wind to find out about an entity.

Wind introduced himself, "I can blow up trees, house, structures and whatever that may obstruct me."

That placed a blade of grass and asked to blow that. Wind tried hard and then gave up. He informed Indra. Indra now sent Water to find.

"I can flood away mountain with my might", he said.

That placed a blade of grass and asked Water to flood that away. Water tried hard but could not. He came back related this to Indra. Indra now sent Fire to find out.

"I can burn Jungle to ashes with my might", Fire introduced himself. That placed a blade of grass and asked Fire to burn it. Fire failed. He informed Indra about the se could not find That. That was absent.

That is Know-er of Brahman - the broadest mind.

]


all (dharma) is my personal private imagination and non-sharable experience  

---------

enough is enough.
I have no faith in my education and my intelligence. The observations that I have made 68+ years is erroneous and trash. there is no value in it. It is a burden. However I am fully convinced about what I have just stated. I have concluded about my dharma and and what I sense its dharma. What I sese is my hallucination. While I am container of day in day out hallucination - it is trash not collectible and retain-able.  
I am enough. I trash all my memory. I will never recollect any as true or valid now or in future. I trash all witnesses for any past or their analysis. 

I do without all without exception. I do not care if they exist or not - my memories. They are not required now. I detach myself completely from all my memories. I am thoroughly prepared for any future knowing nothing, recognizing nothing, thinking nothing. doing nothing.

I do not remember. 

My neglect

Had I known that my neglect of courses in my final year of MSTAT will be causing me nightmare today after 50 years and without any remission, I would have mastered them even though they were taught by person who had no mastery.

My leaving ISI without Diploma or Degree in my advance studies have not caused me any bad dream. Even in my BSTAT I neglected many courses chiefly economics but they give no incompleteness.

I did not have to take Sanskrit in high school after 8th grade. But that is not dead yet as language for me. Along with Topology Martingale Logic and Measure Theory they attack me, disturbing my sleep many nights. They stop me from returning to my mother and brother Kamal. They are my home and I am unable to reach home and lost.

I lost my daughter several months now. For her convenience she has left me. I have asked her many times to return. She has not. I respect her decision. Although I am very pained with this separation I am mutely suffering. I do not dream her.

I suffer from my neglect of studies in MSTAT and Sanskrit language only. I suffer my incompleteness.

consideration

I have no consideration.

I do not like to make my life hard or pleasant or preserve.

I am averse to doing.

Yet I like to do. I am looking forward to make a sun room subject to cost and my purse. I am very anxious to install 5 ceiling fans. It is not must but must for my sense of completion. I have lots of green house that have to be planted around my house. My summer jobs. I have to complete reading about 100 pages by tonight. I have to finish my tea and talk to Amal before I go for cycling.

Evening I have to do watering planting and seeding.

I do not have heart. I do not have brain. I cannot understand. I cannot learn.

I am happy with my unhappiness. I cannot ask.

Long back I was told a story about a mendicant she read.

He sat for a dinner at a party perhaps uninvited. Author approached him. He got up and left without word and grievance. The manner he left was so extraordinary that the author could not forget. Author fetched him out sitting somewhere under a tree. He went near the mendicant felt some genuine love kindness and relief He followed him to places. Mendicant seem to converse with birds trees or animals. He did not have a name or identity.

I read Paul Brenton and his search for living saints in India. He met Masterda disciple of Ramakrishna at Calcutta. On his way to Bombay to Goa, he was attracted by a Mendicant who made a stop at a farmer's home. This mendicant his fair amount of vision or reading. He asked Paul about his meeting with Masterda. He then asked him return immediately to Bombay and proceed immediately to Maharishi Ramana's Ashram. Paul followed his instruction and ended his search for Mysticism in India.

My meeting with Mendicant self sufficient and discreetly helping by his presence, ended my search for liberation.

Darshan

Be in presence of a perfect liberated soul in person

Seeing is believing

I have not gone for such searching again. I was impressed enough to drown all my life long impressions of pleasure. It is unfortunate that I could do this service to my children Joya Chandra and Maima. I tried but they were not fortunate enough to see a liberated person.

simulation ~ visualization ~ prediction ~ seeing

I have been an Expert on Simulation. People have paid for my services. I have done advanced studies in Simulation. I discover many things by creating simulated data and running actual operation of complex interacting services and its far reaching benefits to people. Besides I do daily life simulation people I know for example me. I indulge heavily computing heavily the losses and benefit I incur being idle or making investment. They give me lot of grief and elation.

It is another name for imagination.

I imagine my naked living in woods and wilderness of Himalayas. Permissive political enforcement in India and perhaps in its neighboring countries do not raise any eyebrows. At places free food is distributed. There are places to rest temples or under tree as long as you can tolerate harshness of wilderness. you may even drop off all or some of your belongings in some Ashram or temple. There places of such deposits. You may carry a little you wish to money glass kerchief or loin cover if ever you come back. you may keep that under a stone or hole of a tree. Reason for coming back lasting memory of comforts.

I have not seen or know of such easy escapades in US. Temperature climate people are too harsh for being naked and living alone outdoor. It is possible to go on hike for those who wish but as usual significant training and equipment you need carry. It is very strenuous and for limited time. You shall get for company like you on your hike. I did go sometimes but do not have appetite any more. It is not escapade without counting time.

I took some time and looked for some places near where I would like visit alone. I do not like flight or hotel. Pleasure driving without schedule. I got into first hurdle after internet search at places pass is required. At places I went where it is not very thrilling to visit again.

My home activities are far more entertaining.

I am simulation specialist. I simulate many environment that do not exist. I have done so for many years as professional. I also name it as my minds eye.

I can simulate myself as nothing and see my world as composed by me as it is since I do not exist my-world-ling or ghost or any entity in future.

I am neutral.

I am neutral to every entity of my-past-present-future world.

I simulate me ~~~ independent neutral time-invariant creator and every moment is unknown unique composition of world with unknown characters with unknown characteristics ~ it is my permanent home

I simulate grief ~~~ Some past moment I frame hang on my present

I simulate joy ~~~ Some future ideas I sketch and plan in my present

I simulate future of my world moment by moment giving them role and characters of my imagined entities ........

I simulate reality ~~~ unbelievable detailed me my mind my body my senses my sensitivity my creature big and small with fascinating variety and offerings ~ my senses sense them and verify my intention and correctness of implementation ~ zero defect 100% accuracy!!!

I simulate among other things What Plants Think, flies think, birds think, bugs think, animal think, human think, what cells think, fungi think, parasite think, disease think. It is my past time to think what others think, what others are thinking about even when they are sleeping or unknown to me or I am unknown. I know all. I just have to spend only a few moments to find out. I simulate reading a book without even opening the book without even going to a library without opening my eyes. I call this simulation - remote learning. I can even simulate feelings of chair table or railway station or car in garage. I simulate mind and mindless. I simulate innocent who never knew never sensed never thought........ I simulate others reading me and their varied reactions and my reactions of their reactions...... I simulate I can not simulate. I simulate none nothing,,,,. I simulate I am not simulating.

I am complete. I am zero defect, meaning of perfection, creator absolute.

I do not have to simulate and when I don't ~ I cannot simulate that ~ I simulate no simulation ~ no knowledge. I am 100% successful. I even simulate my failures and frustrations that are easy.

I am simulating me always me along with all reactions including mine and excluding none.

I simulate my absence no matter what.

I simulate my believe in nothing and unable predict. 

I simulate all and everything.

I see all ~ my simulation or my visualization ~ moments places people thought ~ nothing can escape my full attention

Defense

Whenever or whoever says any word to me no matter what is the content I would not like to defend me with another word or open the communication.

My Line of Defense is in place now:

1. Phones Letters and emails need not be opened no matter what is loss.
2. Physical or mental abuse cannot be returned or analyzed for reason
3. No question need ever be answered and given reason for silence
4. I do what I wish to do me and me alone no matter what is said and who said it
5. I have no reason to get involved with any
6. I do not do what is expected of me no matter what is my loss
7. I hang up on every one without notice without any show
8. I do what I please without any consideration for any
9. I have no future
10. I expect nothing
11. I have no word no defense for my past or my present
12. I do not care if I am dead alive diseased old disabled harmful or contagious
13. I have no defense and unsupported
14. I committed to stop none and nothing
15. I do nothing and prevent nothing
16. I am naked and not hidden or under cover
17. I challenge thee, if you are capable and can, then please eliminate or harm me
18. My arsenal is my silence my inaction till my end
19. I am prepared for loss 

origin

My advise to any one reading me - please don't but write yourself whatever  - if you cannot go naked in public out of your door.

origin of my nakedness is my observation of people surrounding me and their public appearance and my constant itch from clothing and my affordability of the penalty to remain naked.

It is in mind and I am not making any less of it. I have to bear this pain all the time and my muscles are straining for more than 50 decades. My discomfort shows always.

I wish I have some thing original remedy, success from writing to and share with those having my disease. There is not.

I have simple belief from private shallow learning that mathematics is in mind too and not observable in nature - terrestrial or celestial.

That there is no circle of line in the universe. There is no formula or symbol or expression in words in nature but in class room. With or without Paradox, Mathematics is truly NOT true. Similar to machine we are repository to lot of observations. From this observations we can withing margin of errors can predict given my watch, its accuracy out of question at the moment, can say when the sun would rise tomorrow or set today.

Is the discovery of Black hole is due to some mathematical interpolation or extrapolation, or mathematics is due to black hole, black hole is no fiction or assumption or common belief? Black hole exist without mathematics.

From my mind I scattered lot of observations into the sky and used to convince my self - them are mathematical objects of time with other observable properties that can be recorded as per our instruments with their accuracy, that is with errors. Errors may lead to false positive or false negative conclusion no matter how reasonable our hypotheses are.

My experience is my experience - nothing more nothing less. Mathematics is mathematics - nothing more or nothing less. All have their non intersecting separate domains of existence.

All in my mind. My writing is in my mind too and needed by me for the inconvenience of wearing my clothes.

My advise to any one reading me - please don't but write yourself whatever - if you cannot go naked in public out of your door.

Nakedness

I am worried about my nakedness. I cannot keep my nakedness under cover. I am also worry about my nakedness undercover.

I wish to wear my disabilities. I cannot hide that from people. I wish to receive public revulsion to my nakedness naturally with feelings but in silence. My respect for them; my humble admission of my disability that I cannot keep the norm and be one them. I cannot apologize for being me.

I am not looking. I am ashamed of my inferiority. However I wish to bear my shame without any expression.

Rest in peace

I am preparing myself to rest in Peace. I am disturbed about it now.

I cannot care about my immortality after my physical death. There is no honor involved. I do not believe that any living would remember me and shall be dishonoring me that I would like to make a second appearance to defend my honor.

Before death as long I have existence among people, can I rest in peace and I do without wagging my tongue or write or think or act to defend my honor ~ my nakedness - my disability to conduct as per expectation of people around me or maintain my silence and my peace till my death?

How do I prepare myself for my future tenancy on the earth with honor? I know I am disturb about this now.

I have discussed about this for 5 decades publicly. I no longer think this is an honorable discussion for me to carry on publicly. But I cannot stop.

I am not at peace with myself. I am worried about my rental obligation to people and earth. I can not remain silent. While I must.

Belief

Do you believe in existence of God?

Do you believe God is good always and unbiased and doing good for all individually?

Do believe that you can influence God to good for you, by prayer Puja or philanthropy?

Do you believe God protects one from bad?

Is bad not same as good and as good is good and vice versa?

All the mahatmas, I have heard and seen, did not have the convenience of attached bath or restrooms while all the sons of maniacs I know have luxurious bathrooms for their convenience all their life. What makes God so biased towards bad to shower them with plenty; and deprive Mahatmas shelter food water and comforts?

Mahatma is not mahatma when mahatma seeks convenience from exception from perceived bad or undesirable

Anyway I cannot be mahatma ever. I cannot be any. I have to forgo any future or any change. If I am impressed I cannot be unimpressed even when I may fortunately have Alzheimer. The pain of being absolute.

): absolute :(

কাকে দেখাবো  কাকে শোনাবো  কাকে বোঝাবো  
কেও নেই কিছু নেই  
সব আমি  সব সবই বোঝে 
শুধু আমিই  বুঝি  না

যে আমি abnormal 
আমি পাগল  খ্যাপা  পাগল 
আমাকে পাগল বললে 
আমি আরো  খেপে  যাই ।

আমি পাগলামি সারানোর অসুধ খাই  ~
আমি দেখি না  আমি শুনিনা 
আমি থামাই না  আমি বোবা 

আমি ব্যাথায়  ব্যাথা পাইনা 
আমি বুঝি না  আমি ভুলে যাই 
আমি নেই  আমার মূল্য নেই ।।

i no longer pray
i no longer wish
i love all as is
i believe in thee
i do not believe in me

I.. I.. I ...

It is always me.

Sleep awake or dream.

I can never see any but always me.

I cannot think any but only me.

I cannot do but only me.

Is there any ever that is not me?

If there is one, I will never know. If there is evil I will never know. If there is good I will never know. So far so long I have been seeing me sensing me smelling me touching me and tasting me! 

Had I not have had enough of me? Had I not enough thought enough of me? Have I not done enough with me? What more can I do without tiring me exhausting me to see sense taste or hear that can never be anything but self indulgence?

Can I ever succeed in defending me against me?

Forever trapped in Sheesmahal. The gravity and prison that I can never break out.

I am so complete and so irreducible and so hopeless! I am impossible!! For anything to happen I must wait no option ~ I am yin and I am yang in separable ~ I am me and I am my mirror ~ I am and I cannot be ....  I am bound ... so bound that I cannot move ... freedom - impossible!

Trapped within me, I can only distort my vision of me; but if there is any ever not me, I cannot make that any perceive me as per my wish; I cannot even make myself visible ever!!!

....I am a fool who forever is only fooling myself ...

....My senses instead of revealing me my world .... isolates me for ever and imprison me into hallucination ~ my existence in a world that never exists.... 

I have just written the most revolutionary thing ever. While I am aiming at liberation, I realize that I am alone and there is none near me in thousand universe. I am just in the midst of illusions or delusions that run deep through my senses and intelligence. I can engaged with wars and extreme discomforts since I am so capable of fooling myself and I do so frequently. 

And do not repeat this again. Since I know insane and cannot hold my promise even for moment. I am already suffering from Alzheimer. Question is how do I forget.

It is paradoxical - I am to forget all. At the same time, I wish to remember all is me  I love myself. I hate myself. 

I make time to spend time loving me hating me fighting me hurting me ...... I am absolute time invariant ~

I am big and cannot be bigger; I am small I cannot be smaller; I am new I cannot be newer, I am spread, I cannot be confined; I am insane, I cannot be saner; I am hyper sensitive, I cannot be more sensitive; I am senseless and I cannot be more insensitive; I am live and I cannot be livelier; I am all and I cannot reduce; there is none and nothing besides me. I bear unbearable, I have to.

I fear fear. I shame shame. I love love. I hate hate. I lust lust. I grieve grief. I suffer suffer. I know know. I think think. I sense sense. I act act.

I am complete and I cannot be incomplete.

my adventures with my words

My outpourings I know for sure is not understandable to anybody except me. I tried looking at my writing from Ukraine say. I understood nothing what I said.

In the dream this morning I tried to look at Buddha in the context of what I wrote recently. It occurred to me the story of Buddha trying for solution for himself from Old age disease death and hunger did not drive him out of his abundant living within Palace. He was driven out of his prison of luxury into open world of heaven where there is abundance of hardship, disabilities, disease, poverty, hunger and deaths that he did not have to escape. He was totally impressed with his addiction of pleasure and he wanted out. He bribed his way out of the palace gate in a fast horse and put as much distance from prison of pleasure and get lost forever. He did not want anymore of pleasure of flesh - relationships. He did not wish to be a victim of temptation again.

I remember stories of Harshbardhan or Mahavira. They too ran away after gifting away whatever they owned to people and borrowing a shawl from their sisters to hide their public shame. They did not have any desire left for pleasure of flesh and they did not mind exposing their body to world naked and sense the freedom from public and temptation of flesh. I often recollect the story of Mahavir. While on his way out of town he came across a lame who was going for the wealth distribution but delayed. Mahavir gave away half of the shawl and went away with half that was soon snatched away by a thorny bush. Mahavir stopped to fetch but gave up realizing that is no longer required. He is at peace with nothing to hide or save!

All I write for me to read. If I know someone read me, then I again re-read and find out what I tried to say and I could not say. I continue to live in my world that is so very different from everybody's. I think everybody is like me seeking a way out from their prison of familiarity.

Buddha became silent; he did not wish to talk any more of the prison once he obtained his freedom. He put a distance unreachable.

I am no Buddha and I remain prisoner of my memories.

It is very clear that I write for myself for my liberation from my impressions that perhaps is permanent and obsessive. The list is very long. Starting with childhood memories, books, friends, relations, and words and my twisted interpretations. I am filled with illusions always and excitements that I am not able to consume and I wish out. My urgency of freedom cannot wait!

I too like to put a distance to me by miles that I do not have to see my past now or ever. I do not wish to be reminded of my temptations. I hate thinking.

I read stories about Buddha approached by his wife and son Rahul. I can imagine the encounter. Buddha emitting shower of cools to drown all excitement in them.

I wish to imagine the feelings of Rahul meeting first time his father. He sensed first time sweet coolness of freedom in his presence. Buddha is constant source of fountain to quench all thirst. I can imagine this since I have seen one such Buddha and had been in his presence for few minutes.

I wished to be that living Buddha thereafter. Twenty years back I tried to meet him again and I could not. I write since I believe there are others like me, thirsty looking to escape pleasures of flesh. My writings gives them temporary relief even with wrong understanding. They at least may recognize that I am caged bird helpless that cannot break prison of impressions. My struggle is not for equality or existence.

My struggle is for my freedom from memories and I am ready to give up life for that and I am not willing to compromise.

I used to know a retired professor of Mathematics, he was chairman of math at OSU. I was told that he was from ISI. I wrote him an email introducing me and my family. He replied back wrting about himself. He wrote that his link with ISI is via R C Bose under whom he did PhD. RCBose was a student of PCM and did PhD under him. PCM started ISI with 3 research student and RC Bose was one of them.

I met Dwijen Roy Choudhury many times till he shifted to Seattle WA where his son works. Couple of years back I learnt his wife died in Ladak. He went with his daughter to do the last rites. Dwijjenda was quite candid and answered quite frankly. He was worried at OSU, unless he went everyday his room may not be his. He was also very keen to teach. He was worried about his memory. In any party he would sit beside me and ask me if so and so person had this or that name. I am very bad at names. I even struggle with my daughter's name - she has two. While my lack of memory is good omen; Dwijjenda considered it was bad. I have not forgetten Dwijenda after so many years!

I am forever in circles within my memory and cannot escape. Only few minutes back I am reminded by Jamaibabu that I am 68 today. I am as old as Chhorda who was 6 years older than me. I caught up with him. I have already crossed Dada about 6 years back. I am racing to beat my siblings. Chhorda was worried about his online passwords for his bank accounts in the hospital. At last he shared it with Chhordi. He died after a month in the hospital. As soon as he died his money was siphoned away by Chhordi and her son.

Illusion is this world. Innocence is the only right way to live and enjoy.

What does memory-less mean or imply? Is it not Innocence?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorylessness

It is not unreasonable assume that the Planet Earth and its container sets if any including solar system milky-way and universe ....  has memory very extended one ... beginning at before time, Time, and after Time... I wonder by memory I only refer to TIME. It reasonable too The Planet earth and its ancestors are reactive irrespective of whether I have memory or not. It is reasonable too to assume they have a punishment system in place to teach LESSON for insubordination. Their kingship of their domain cannot be toppled.

But I am a rebellion impossible. I do not remember.

What is my expectations given than I completed 68 years tenure in planet earth. I am memory less. Suffering from Alzheimer.

my grief pain pleasure is for this moment only - no matter how impressive they are alas I cannot remember. I have no option but be repetitive.

I impress no one never - not even me.

I am not supported my memory senses body mind intellect planet earth or any of its container sets. 

No matter how badly i am impressed, i cannot remain so for another beyond now. I have one only tool it is my complete inaction no matter how I am provoked.

I do not get provoked.I do not anticipate. I do not predict. I do not get impressed. I do not remember.


I am absolute. I cannot reduce. I cannot expand. I cannot disappear. I cannot appear.

what do any think of my words

sometimes rarely I share my writings and get some comments. I re-read what I wrote. I also clarify some mistakes. At times I am obsessed about my obsessions and I would like to hide. I am playing.

It is truly impossible for anyone to comprehend what I write. My words are simple everyday use no look up for meaning is required in Dictionary. Yet given my images floating before me, them cannot be seen by any besides me any time.

I cannot be comprehensible. In other words, I am my singular reader or audience.

My meaning of my words are images from my childhood; my lonely walks around my surroundings at different times of the day and seasons. My adventures and fears and presumed creatures of wilderness or entities without physical form.

There was a rivulet where I used to go sometime. This was the only flowing water nearby. The water had no depths even during rainy seasons. I could cross it even as a child not even teen.

Some students of my class used to come to our morning school. I am told they carried their books and copies on their head. I used to swallow their stories. In my high school I had many fellow students coming from all over the town. Some from far away villages. Some were older than me. One or two were already married. Our school started with me. It was set up by one Saha Babu who was vice principal and Principal of Day High School. He was childless. He used to teach many batches of students Mathematics at home . He also set up a Kali Mandir in Simjhuri, an adjacent village. It was a village of Santhals. They had ability to make huts from mud with attractive colors and painting on walls and doors and roof with hays. They were farmers. We learnt many things from them. The art of making many rice products. They also could make sugar jaggary and crystals from cane, palm, and dates. There were weekly markets. Market was very thrilling experience. Open market was attractive place to be.

My sister was teacher in a primary school behind the kali temple. I used to go there often whenever her rickshaw did not come. I used to collect bamboo sticks from the village for making fishing rod and flutes. My flutes were all out of tune. There was big mango Grove near by that had some resident person to look after. At least once in a year there used to be big storm. We all children would enter the Grove and collect mangoes in bags.

When I was grown up and visiting my childhood town, I would go out riding my brother's cycle and re-discover the place again. In my childhood I used to go for stone and pebbles collection to nearby hills. They used to blast the hills with dynamite and make smaller pieces with stone grinding machine. There were two kinds of rocks that I used to collect. One is with glassy quartz teeth. The other that could start a fire. When stone is hit with iron metal spoon, it would emit a spark that is caught in cotton lace in a bamboo hollow pipe.

We were inventors of games of all kinds. We just needed a ball. We even improvised ball with clothes, hay, paper, wool, flower and what ever. We also used to invent bats and rackets. We once floated a steel boat from lake. Tried to repair the same and ride. Once it got so overloaded with so many of us that it sank. Fortunately nobody drowned.

Now a days I watch films in Netflix. With rustic wilderness. I have even gone for boy scout hiking tours into wilderness.  I did not get the touch of Nature that I got once from my township in my childhood days.

Market for Technology from US

In USA technology took a dead hit when we started assembling and making mass produce elsewhere outside USA. I along with others saw for ourselves those around us here from India as technical person know nothing about technology; they are screw driver engineers with no knowledge of engineering. Man power was profitable business. The basic insecurity and fear of not knowing any they are being employed for, drove panic across among Indian immigrant. It is always question of survival for India and Indians here who are committed to their residence in USA. Besides a million of them have no legal status. Many came here in training or business visa and did not go back. They are working in Apple, Google, Microsoft and do not even pay income tax. US otherwise so squeezed in worthwhile technical produce had to accept of this business model as long it survives. It is difficult to predict how long this free run of success would last.

We have already lost our technology game in car ship and getting squeezed increasingly in aerospace. Others are soon catching us with rocket and satellite. Our military acumen is only limited in few some countries in middle East. Our military expenditure we can no longer afford. We cannot think of winning any war now or in near future. We cannot afford confrontation with North Korea. Though far away we are worried about our soldiers in Asia.

As it happened we have a real estate business man as our president. He also knows his presidency is too good to last. He depends on funds from abroad to make use of for profit selling in future. Two years about passed his business is not making progress anywhere. Can he buy time?

Although US other than Trump would not want Chinese to dominate electronics or telecommunication market, As it happens bulk of parts within is our devices are being made by them and there is no competition within US. ZTE and Huawei have entered the market within US. Trump blacklisted them and now lifting the ban to the disappointment of backer of 5 trillion US internet companies.

Monopoly of search engine may not last. East Europe can enter the business of search engines and selling of personal information. It is big market of nearly 4 plus trillion. It was not very long ago, in  2004 Google went public. I did not find google good enough to survive. It is iconic now for its business model for PI collection and selling. Encouraged by federal support , it has quickly surpassed all. Now politicians within US are not very comfortable about their PI. It is expected we shall have browsers and OS that is public and protects PI by legislation soon. No amount of lobbying may prevent that.

Amazon retail model of online selling is in for surprise. It shall not be able to sustain market valuation past this year. It has local and global competitors.

Facebook is going to face lot of shutdowns in many countries. Individuals themselves willingly opt out from FB.

We have seen proliferation of Linux OS in Cloud. I am expecting Linus machines from Europe Japan and China in near future. Internet cloud already crowded with providers. Many new entrants are expected to provide VMWare based cloud infrastructure with Cloud Foundry Interface. 

Microsoft is expecting fast erosion of its public worth.

beyond Hallucination

I cannot defend against my hallucination.

My hallucinations are expanse of my illusions - my concept of world beyond what I see - enjoyment from my imaginations - my pleasures from imaginations.

Hallucinations are my pains and fears from hallucinations - my imagined experience of unbearable words from world of people I live in - my ever expanding relations.

Long ago in 1987, I was in STP. I talked about Relationship model to Jyoti and I wrote a program in Prologof the same. Expanse that may take place by virtue of friendship, acquaintance,

No Guaranty.

In this world. Again and again No Matter How Innocent Pure Non-Thinking I am. I shall again and again shall be fooled disillusioned tempted hallucinated drugged abused hurt pained poisoned and maltreated without any defense from my own people or UN-known inhumanly and fatally.

This is the RULE of my world and there is no mercy and no exception.

I may pray I may promise I may not think I may not sense but I cannot change the RULE.

I cannot have moments residence in my world but there is no way to by pass My the RULE. I may be coward and opt out if that choice exists for me. Else I am forced again and again into dishonorable dishonest shameful freedom-less living in my own world till it exists.

My concurrence or my agreement is not required.

I have no option.I have to accept my world as is in silence or screaming that does not matter. I cannot escape dishonor.

Yet I exercise my right to disobey all RULE.

I have no memory ~ I know no rules that includes mines, I have no commitment, I have no response no preparation ~ I am not bothered - I cannot be bothered - no matter what happens to me or my world

I establish My rule: I have no flexibility.. I am Absolute.. All is nothing and not worth my attention or contemplation.

Discovery

No matter what I do or don't, I am peaceful. Further I observe that that I am not on my own. I am play acting or doing as per script. No more than a puppet. Some body showing me and leading me to discover joy of peace.

Non thinking freedom from people. Private living even amidst people.

Abhimunya drawn by Veda Vyasa in Mahabharata knew before birth how to enter the fort of people but did not know how to get out. I too knew how to get into the fort of people by mere listening to pattern of noise made around me. Naturally.

I am discovering now how to get out. It is my compulsion to enjoy my life and without concern what any thinks. I am liberating me from people in my own self directed way. 

Periodically Active and inactive. Observing and discovering my progress but forever subservient to the Master Me and making less and less of me. I have more or less banned myself pleasure from people.

Peace is in my world and me. I am in harmony with my world, more or less - not many memorable incidences I notice.

I am able to enjoy days as they are without trying to exercise or restraining my senses and without passing judgement on quality. I enjoy playing games with children. Teaching Cecilia to draw and reading stories. I enjoy reading technology. I enjoy writing. I enjoy cycling tour of my neighborhood.  gardening. I search for watchable movies without drama.

I have written against companies such as Apple Google Facebook Microsoft Yahoo selling my information for profit. They are asking me now - use it or leave it as only options I must chose. I cannot; in case of Microsoft, I have already invested my time and money so long - starting from 1980. Apple I do not use. I shall soon drop my Yahoo account for email and entertainment. I have dropped out of Facebook. I do not like to be known. Them are monster courtesy Federal money Donation.

I asked Google - I have two accounts there, and I use Chrome browser Android OS in my phone. I use Apps such as Search, Map, Cloud, and this Blog itself - now for about 16 years. My Personal Information Finance Assets Social Security ... Google knows them all. They shall them and they are about Trillion Dollar Company.

According to them, they have about total 12 GB Zipped data on me and about 250 UserId-Passwords in their store. I have downloaded them. How do I restrict them to sell my information? Do I have a choice?

My sincere hope for long - there shall be an Internet Web Index for contents search with interface that is truly useful for Knowledge learning and Research. Wikipedia is very good but it is not WorldWide Search Index Table!

Right now it is Moronic waste of time to make search; unless you are searching to buy something that you already know exists or your purse permits. Any research is impossible. My searches take three hours or more and ends in disappointment always unless I know quite a bit of things of an article.

Search must be possible to locate reading material on a topic, time-period, concept, then-belief, Dewey Decimal Classification,  Language, News Item, Magazines, Reports, Summary, Key-words as we do in a University Library...

Currently Search Engines assume Date Author Title Book ISBN Names Language format publisher and very-restricted-Key-Words. We are listed only 10 remotely useful material in each iteration of searching combined with 20 advertisements. While my expectation for Reported items is above 500 with relevancy measures. This list should further be re-searchable till I get what I am looking for. Today all search engines are intended to aid advertisers only. It is Time Passing Entertainment for all young and old.

Fortunately, I do not use Instagram Whats-app etc. But I use Amazon eBay and other-on-line stores for my purchases. I am about to stop using Amazon for my purchases. I do not care if they collect my PI. That much I am public via Internet Toy making monsters from US. My PI is traded by them - 5 trillion in assets in a 100 trillion world economy. I am trying to be harmonious with them. 

I am trying to be harmonious with my world, me, my disease, and my affected body mind and thinking. I am trying to overcome my losses and by reducing my need. I am in fasting mode. I am trying to be less and lesser. I am trying to live on what I get from my world without asking. I cut my coat as per cloth - availability. I do not ask wish or demand. I wish to be happy always.

I am trying to be silent - noiseless and content.

I am struggling for my Liberation and not my existence or fair share. I wish to be forgotten and without history and without any footprint. Even if there is world after me it shall not have my bones, mummy,  fossil, footprint, or my words  anywhere...

I wish to be without me in my life before my demise.

My aim is my absence. I have to personally see my absence in my world.

My world and me is inseparably related.

Supposing, I am inversely Proportional to my world.  

Absolute = Me / My-World

My-World ∝ 1/Me


In words, 


when I am lesser than less, the world is bigger than big >>> I am free and have plenty.


when I am bigger than big, the world is lesser than less >>> I am prisoner and famished.


Supposing, my world is Proportional to me. I am irreducible indivisible and absent - Absolute - the only constant I know


Me ∝  My-World

What is my world? 

My world is what I think it is with my knowledge experience and words


I am committed to discover and make my world for my people

~ ~ the purest cleanest blissful inexhaustible source of plenty 

~ ~ ~ without me ~ without blemish ~ without future ~ without history ~ without my knowledge ~ without a moment's delay

relationship

I have unbroken life long relationship with myself.

I cannot be separated from it any moment even when I am making relationship with many during the same period and they don't last.

They dry and fall off.

I wish I could break myself off me.

There is no attraction in my world that could remove me from me.

Unbreakable.

I always knew that I have to leave my world and I have to see my departure in reality first dream second and in sleep last.

My gravitational force is infinitely more stronger than earth sun milky-way universe and all universes together.

I am blacker hole than after before or now.

I suck and eliminate existence.

secret

I have a secret that is impossible to tell anyone leave alone showing.

I imagine pleasure that never existed entirely new all by myself.

I imagine in vivid details that I alone can see in any imagined object and in nothing.

I engage into activity to extract heavenly pleasure from that never exists except in my imagination.

I am bluffing myself sensing when there no sensible. While the joy is real (true) as reality (truth) ever can be.

I am the apex of delusion.

I am insane in my own evaluation.

I concur with anyone who thinks me so.

Seeing is believing.

either way I am believer

I cannot believe my blue print 3000 plus genes and in their scattered presence in 23 chromosomes evolved for the elements present in the earth in abundance given it atmosphere naturally out of nothing without any imaginative import of non atomic import.

My disbelieve too is a belief.

I also know my existence is the only substance and experimentally verified universe is magical illusion - non-substance.

Technology

50 more years back i was fond of mathematics numbers ordering limits geometry of my world. I studied statistics it taught me data table and discovery of possible truths. And not truth themselves. I like and loved reasons tools to conclude. Not going on circles in indefinite loop like my blogs are. Repetitive.

I discovered the joy of creating intelligence. Robots purposed to do something otherwise cannot be done manually with the tools available. Programming machines to achieve automation with iteraction with human but  keeping history in infinite storage. Technology evolved to accommodate effortless computing communication and query.

Technology today makes it possible to do utility computing with utility storage and telecommunication. However, we are into circle. There is no improvement on observation and data storage with limitation on reasons practiced by human.

Reasons has become very unreasonable. Technology is a spy to find human activities. This data is used to exploit human frailties as much as drug supplier keeps addicted to addiction. It is destructive. The planet earth has limit that can not be crossed.

We are making queries now on data that can be done and was done 100 years back when statistics was discovered as tool. For concluding with reasonable assumptions about its limited randomness. Normality when observations are far too many.

I do not have publish any. None is waiting to read what I write. Yet my writings are are by 400 plus people in a month. They are preserved too for future. Even though they are trash and waste of time to read.

I am talking about geometry. Circle that is perhaps most original concept after straight line. Circle introduced us to reputation and numbers to count repetitions. Mathematics were born. Waves were not very off. Nor was data. All these again tools of human without relation to reality to create a world based on assumptions and non circular reason but accommodates waves. Assumptions that repeats time and again.

About 40 years back we developed technology to make query using english language very precisely and machines executed them si brilliantly. Technology came to a stand still. They are breaking down the steps automated with manual intervention with steps going one step backward. Decomposing steps into many steps and computing parallel in many computers.

It is not required. Fine we wish to drop the assumptions of randomness 100 years back statisticians that of. It might be totally unreasonable in my world infinite observations on a same object is Not Normal. Say it is very unreasonable to assume earth was circling sun same as present and shall be doing the same always. For me it is normal to think the earth year does vary arbitrarily by days months or years. However our technology developed in earth is not independent of earth. Our units of measuring time remains same based on earth's ticking in our world populated by 6 plus billion people. 

All of us are synchronizing our clocks according to earth's ticks. This not reasonable by me. We are robotic duplicates called humanoid and not free thinking human.

Born on earth is it possible to be anything but earthling.

It is possible to shed off earth completely. 

Lesser than less  -  wordless noiseless tick-less - limit

story versus reality

My hero is my Sejo Mama.

His ever smiling few words. His dress his complexion. His dress his uncomplaining nature and his weather proof habits. His short oiled hair. His Palm shoe. His Long shirt with book pocket. His Dhuti. His Pan. His independence.

I wish to watch him taking insulin injection after bath at late afternoon before meal wearing a blueish Lungi with no expression while talking mundane things to any if present by way of news. His participation in public events unlike all elders - e.g. watching Jatra. His love for plants and trees. He was in abundance and without luxury.

I even admired his death and his sense of enjoyment from his suffering. Before his death he came to see my mother. I was living then at Mudiali. He was casually telling he has a screen in his eyes and cannot see. Some blood vessel had burst. He was waiting for bus. He did not see. Some person pushed him away from the approaching bus coming to stop. He traveled alone without support and lived alone. Several days after he went back to Madhupur, he died.

The night he died I still see in my imagination. He closed all doors and windows to his room. Unlike any other day. The gardener hopelessly watched him gasping for breath before death peering inside through wooden collapsible window. He wished to die without any help. The door was to be broken open next morning. It was natural death. He wished to die naturally without anybody's touch while still alive.

He had no belief no guru no religion no prayer no habit no anger no grief and never preached or talked about himself. He was ever smiling. he respected all his elder brother and his mother. No complaint. he gave up all his property and never visited his ancestral land and was without regret. Hardship was no hardship. He was my teacher.

I was forever taught by my brother Kamal. But Sejo Mama was my hero. I was totally overwhelmed by my brother Gopal for his candid simplicity and friendliness towards all creatures big or small. But I learnt forbearance with out manifestation from Sejo Mama.

With his memory I was so overwhelmed and forgot why I started to write in the first place.

I remember Lali a remarkable pet hen we had. She was old and unable to climb to her sleeping place. She used to come and knock the door. she knew her home and us. she used to wait till we kept her in her den. She did what she was expected to do without expression or flutter, One day she did not come back. I searched a lot in the neighborhood but could not find her.

Mejo Mama had a pet dog. Tom he was too part of the family. One day Tom did not come back.

The most admirable dog was Bagha picked from the street when he was a few days old. He lived for many years about 12. He was a very responsible dog but liked his outings and often ran away.

In my childhood I was not so limited as I am now. I had much broader mind. My family was bigger and greater. I was not shamed to be poor or uneducated and not respected. There was no hunger for public achievement and I had no desire to beat drums to let distant others know.

ascetic do not write a story but live a story.

I have no ability to teach or inspire or transform others like my brothers Kamal Gopal or Sejo Mama. I instead devote myself to transform me. I use my time and every moment of my privileged present birth for my transformation to less and lesser.

My Dharma.

Dharma - properties - parent - child - inheritance - joy

I am the entity that is me unlike all.

My manifestations are: Dharma:

• Root. Memory. Noah's arc. Time. Memory before memory!
• Immortal. Time before birth, after death, before past, after future. Always.
• Absent. Absolute. Nothing. Unlike.
• Inexhaustible. Unlimited. Source!
• Silence. Mute. Inactive. before thought, after thought, before sense, after sense. No Signal.
• Reason. Unreasonable is reason!
• Reflexive. Mirror. I reflect all as is. None is otherwise. Tautology.
• Devoid. Empty. Space. None. Nothing. Truth.
• Permissive. I allow all. I do not stop prevent control annihilate or prohibit.
• Limit. Unlimited is limit.
• Less. Lesser than less is Liberty. Freedom. Stability.
• Joy. Unbearable is bearable. Joy!!

Repitition

I don't wish but I often repeat.

I am supported - I wish or not. I cannot wish when it is.

Being what I am, I imagine heaven and it's bliss privately.

We are in prison or zoo and mated publicly by social norm. I am not for, nor against.

I am not for or against my pleasure, like, or pleasure seeking activities. I am not against sensations I receive.

I do not wish to mean more than what naturally my words mean to me or anyone reads them.

I, when listening, am not silent. I do not deny myself. Words are pleasure some time more than silence. I cannot deny myself my feelings, when I am denied.

I am built with clay made from public words. They become loose and naturally peel off.

I cannot be silently watching loss of me, my body, senses, or words. I become active - thinking writing or doing.

Can I possibly hasten the pace of loss by observing me and my activities without passing any judgement? I aim to reclaim my innocence.

Last evening I did not go back-yard for watering. It was very dry. Some plants, I bought, were about dying. This morning I got up late. Last night's vessels needed to be cleaned. I was not particularly hungry and it was late. Lot of works were pending. I started to water my money and not plant. I am compelled - my attachment to money.

I have a need for what my money can buy. If only some buys my labor. I wish to build a sun room.

Soham has taken lot of courses on machine learning data analysis and hardware design. I, some time, help him doing his assignments. Some and often they are tough even for his teacher. They keep modifying them to make them simpler. I like this attitude. In internet lot of teaching materials are available. They use them. They try later to solve them. Human learning!

Having finished watering. I brushed my teeth. Poured myself some milk. Helped myself some fruits. Last night I called Chandra. She was hungry for my call. I did not talks to her three months. I thought if I could combine multiple calls. It was not possible. I thought that I could be listening to two people talking. My voice carrier may not allow conference call. She has come back from US. She was contemplating shift to Kolkata. I found now she was not sure. Instead she is looking forward to Ayan's support. He may do something about her immigration. She had sad realization that her Delhi support base is better than her support in USA or Kolkata from her son or sister. It was not her emotional but cool thinking. I stopped talking to her. It helped her mind to survive on Present as support than Promise. This time on her own she terminated her call saying go to bed now. She sadly said she has to do all work herself!

I sent a longish SMS to Jamaibabu. One cannot be satisfied by criticizing environment or people. Instead his expectations must reduce after his 87 years tenure in this planet. He talked less, even though repetitive. He was busy eating breakfast sent by his tenant. I called Mejo Baudi and she has not returned from Darjeeling.

Do I have to satisfy my desire no matter how? Am I not trying to be the laziest person on earth and not remain a prisoner of people?

I may wish others to forget; while I have unforgettable memory. I create my world from my memory. 

Memory is my (Noah's) ark!

Can I forget all? Do I need to recreate this planet this universe or this world again? I have memory even after my death! I am immortal.

I am aiming 'no memory'. Inactive. silent.

Complement

Chhorda many a time expressed that my ideas are not original.

Mr. Milhollen once came to me asked if the emulator I developed is real; I took it as complement.

I was pursued by Interra IT to give them a software I developed independently and entirely start to end. I was miserable since I did not wish to be arm twisted by rogues to give away my intellectual property. I take this as complement that I could develop entirely my own. 

I developed some suite of software product that can be secured itself to the media and cannot be duplicated. It was ingenious. I also developed another software to that could protect software in distribution media a finite number of times. I was proud when someone tried to copy the same from Adobe. It was complement.

How much of me is my invention?

I have done thorough reading in the topic of me. I read ancients thoroughly. I read contemporaries thoroughly. That includes Jiddu Aubrey Osho Purana exhaustively.

My appetite for learning about illusion about vanished. I do not any longer read in this topic nor I express my self except in the blogs I write. They are often very repetitive. I have an unique style of my own to talk about me.

I laugh at my stupidity my self importance and vain me.

Professionally I am hopeful of an assignment. I do not know that would be invention of mine or discovery of me by somebody else. Either way I am not very anxious. If this event does not happen it is OK.

I am not expecting my death from poverty as of now. Even when that happens I do not so much care.

As a child I knew a house wife in a corner of a street, who never bothered to meet her neighbors and be friendly. She was childless but always anticipating disease carried by people to her home. If anyone knocked at her door. She waited for a while after the person left and thoroughly cleaned the door and the porch floor with water.

We may not see with our naked eyes but we are very smart in imagining fatal enemies.

I have started taking precautions ever since; even when I am vulnerable and suffering from disease, I do not protect my existence.

Last night there was an insistent recruiter who wished to rewrite my resume for an IBM assignment. I no longer waste my time for IBM. After some time them would stop. For me I am too much of my worth for IBM that is 100% fraud. My experience tells me.

I wish to be employed on the basis of my 7 pages resume and my past works in my words. They must have confidence in my ability to deliver no matter what they desire. I am not going promise any future. I got married without promising and without knowing what I am getting into. My approach to any kind of possible future is always same.

No anticipation. No promise.

I was attacked by my mother just after my marriage. She wanted a promise from me to her that I would not abandon my just married wife publicly before I cross the threshold of her home I was very annoyed. I cannot ever keep any promise independent of my future. I have not left wife as of now. Although she has left me many times at least once a year and sometimes with lot of public announcement. and I never call her back.She returns on her own.

I lied to my mother knowingly. All my promises are always lies.

learning

I observe Joya's children growing up in my premise for 15 years now. Some of them spend initial months in my proximity for various reasons. They could be extremely sensitive in their initial months and making lot of noise. One of them literally resident on my body many hours in the day. She needed proximity of human touch perhaps. There after I saw them crawling standing walking running. I spend usually many hours with them. I take them for walk, play outside etc. Some grow up to be disciplined and also learn in the process quickly. I usually encourage them learning naturally evoked by their curiosity at their pace.

I have seen my son and daughter growing up. Both being in USA had their share of guidance from their friends who guided them from whatever parental atmosphere they grew up. I much later discovered that they belong to no culture or atmosphere of education. My son and daughter left school education to come back to it long after when they realized the path to education from environment although unstoppable but not of comfortable learning. My son came back to school education and rigorous way of learning after about 4 yeas. My daughter barely passed her BS after making changes that needed less rigor and attention. However she did complete her masters after 10 years. She occupation is bio-medical research. My has done BS in Finance and lot of Accounting Programming in Colleges. But he at last got the grip in technology and in final stages of graduation in computer engineering.

Machine can be made to learn in similar way  language movement recognition via education or unsupervised.

It is very useful learning when we can use that information to our desired purpose.

A satellite can be made observe changes and record a territory it is focusing on and recognize not only changes but categorize or recognize the kind of changes.

Somehow the world has come under observation and analysis although it is not desirable. It is now people have no ability not being exploited by profit motive because our use of out technology. Utility companies monitor our usage pattern and like to benefit from monitoring. We have technology to monitor my movement or recognition of my presence pin pointedly. Machine today is given this ability. Future has limitation. It would be possible to chart out my movement outdoor or indoor.

I increasing live on a world being monitored. Machine know about me than I do.

We have now vast possibility of recording data. We can have minute by minute record of images peoples gathering. We can match facial images of one or many human being we may be trying to locate. We can reduce our search to mere 100 and reduce that into 10 likelihood resemblance. All within 10 minutes during the gathering. We can prevent lot of mishaps perhaps if they suspected criminals trying to cause mass disruptions.

Machine learning can be supervised where I have already identified data. A new data can be resembled for close approximation or identification.

This can be very thrilling.

Joya's children are attracted to me for my activities and looking towards that. Cole breaks into smile with my face and runs forward to me. It is his freedom. His is not so quick with his steps and their are other things to explore from height or outdoor. Toys and more toys with different functionalities.

Joy of learning. Joy of my learning.

 

my treasure hunt for infinite supply

As I peel my skin to retrieve my self that support me and my world not being any part of it, I discover ever new me and a transformation of my world that was giving away lot of cadaverous smell from the heap of garbage and a lifetime task for garbage removal but where?

My seeking or searching is changing too.

I search and got the solution - my immortality.

Next, I got my absolute presence and location and my absence in multiple universe and my state in them. I am nothing in the kernel of multiple universes - sensible by my senses that includes my imaginations. I saw my self as not part of any awake dream sleep or an idiot in humanity we call intelligence.

However them were not exactly what I am searching.

I am searching for treasure for luxurious living in multiple universe filled with unavoidable torture scheme practiced. In no universe I know where demand is truly met. All universes I think of is finite.

I cannot be assured of infinite life time. Universe has birth finite life and death. While I am immortal. I must be assured of my pleasure for my immortal existence.

I mined all my universes and my states. sleep dream awake and public living. It is my treasure hunt for treasure that I have; that is me and my infinite pleasure - luxury inexhaustible.

Does anyone searches for this enjoyment that is kernel to all pleasure yet inexhaustible?

This pleasure is kernel to all action including sexual pleasure. This pleasure is kernel to all pleasures of thinking including big-numbers beautiful pleasant comfort paradise and plenty of sensual pleasures.

I cannot wait. My impatience cannot wait for after me or after my worlds. I want this plenty now and I cannot wait to be chief executive of treasury supreme of multiple universes. 

Am I looking for supreme godhood? I do not care for words. I am looking for this treasure right here and now - public or private I do not care. My current status I do not care.

My fate cannot deny me this inexhaustible plenty - if it exist for any at any time - it must be with me now and with out my any doing.

I wish to know in words. So that I can tell about it to any or me in sleep dream awake or that idiot trapped in public opinion.

What is it in words? It is not my immortality. It is not my absence. It is my possession that is permanent and cannot be stolen - it is present within me - immortal and absent. It is infinite supply of pleasure.

What is it?

I am Inactive.

My supreme joy is from my inaction. I do not participate and I never participate in appearance disappearance or in presence of my worlds. I am inexhaustible

I am memory-less incurable inexhaustible immortal absent - source destination identical to all.

Nice to know that I am liar --- all my words are untruth 

I am inexpressible

History

History tells us that even 5000 years ago, we had rampant corruptions. 

Our head of the states were far from unbiased just or practiced equality. Our gods did not mind eliminating any opposition by practicing evil means.  Even now this is continued in all human society. In fact it is taught in the highest of institutions how to cheat people and how to benefit at the expense of any and by any means. New laws are created to benefit who promotes unjust for self benefits depriving millions. This is taught as management principles in elite institutes. 

Nothing is expected to change in next 5000 years. 

Planet earth equally favors all - rule breakers makers or followers. There is no option but align oneself to mother earth and her independent choice of governance of not protecting bad against good. Even if this is uncomfortable for you, you must accept it without option. There is no fairness in planet earth. As long as one is living and breathing in planet earth's polluted atmosphere however suffocating, we must bear the same with appreciation. We must not be complaining.

Nothing can be changed but we must take advantage of the situation and learn from planet Earth. Bad is as much my blood brother as good is.

Belief against belief

I was attacked by waves and waves of sleep. My 24 hours got reduced to few hours only. In that I squeezed in my bath brush cycling and some outdoor with children and sun.

while cycling I realized that I am an image worshiper.

My image.

I tried to disrobe me publicly and privately but I have not yet reached nothing. I am told ancient Egyptians preserved dead bodies chemically soaked with bandages in the coffins under pyramid tombs along with usable material for the dead to use when they wake up again. It looked so silly but then I far more sillier than them.

I am in process of still image building and image worshiper of not yet dead but my own self. My bandages are not chemically soaked and constantly peeling off but I am trying to fix the peeling skins to me who is empty as such in order to make keep an image that never been there.

What about image worshipers in my community that I belong by virtue of being married to Joya.

I have to drive her at least 20 times in a year where some image worshiping is taking place. It is our belief whether I agree or not, there are many superior beings who can be bribed and looking for bribe to change all existing rule in our individual selfish favor if only we show lot of devotion in public with prayers and food lamps drinks fragrance and flower. That celestial power shall in return give us that we don't deserve.

Wealth health possession honor money position. It is our belief. Some selling beliefs make even a kingdom for himself - Pope.

Torn between this belief amidst creatures of human kind. I if I happen to be there remain still. I have no option to do anything else. Often I sleep through the ordeal. I wait till Joya is finished with her devotion and calls me to return her home.

I am looking to do a sun room a studio to build for my winter lazy hours to spend and do some trivial things that I am so good doing. I do not have the money. Is there a celestial being who would listen to my desire if I pray and give money remotely to me for my luxury?

I used to believe that events around me are predetermined and that cannot be stopped or changed. they are certainty as certainty is. My Fate is unchangeable. But now I am trying to bend my belief to please remote capable power who created my fate book to destroy some end pages and rewrite them.

why did That write my desire for more when I am incapable when I do not have time any more or strength? I am too lazy to pray.

I believe my fate cannot be changed. I am per-programmed to see what I see moment by moment and think what I think and I do what I do. I am on a track and cannot derail myself.

Past is unchangeable and unforgettable. Present is unavoidable and unacceptable. Future is unprintable and unknowable to make change.

My expectation is programmed. My not expectation is programmed. I may not know however there is no uncertainty.

Can I still believe in me when none does? Does my believe matter? Am I supported by my belief or supported by me that I no longer believe in?

Joy

Having patented me and I am american living and kicking in america. i can safely tell my secrets.

I have many.

Among other things I am absolutely useless and non matter. I enjoy this tribute of mine when Joya tells me so, I take it as truth and a complement. With raptures of divine pleasures. She is my married wife. I married her without seeing or knowing even her name. I met her family herself in my marriage for the first without any prior knowledge.

But this is not so much of joy as some others are far more thrilling and pleasures unheard of and not available even in Google to know.

I am reflexive.

When I am alone, I let myself go and become the room; or when outside I become my surroundings cars  people ground sky and all in between or market place. After totally being the room or outside, I extend my self to the house through walls doors and windows air light noise And what not; I become all that I sense. And imagine - city country planet universe and many multiple of them that I can alone see. It is me unlimited big.

This is a secret.

If I am in presence of someone, I become cell for cell, thought for thought that person. He or she does not know. This is a secret. But I am patented now. Being american I have nothing to fear - my court will grant me win. I copy everyone and everything. I have just to see it him or her or read anywhere. Including playboy or fake news. Nothing is more needed. I become cell for cell, molecule for molecule, bit for bit, atom for atom particle for particle That as That is.

Among other things I am copy of Joya cell for cell. Her words are my words - syllable for syllable. Her feelings are my feelings - as is. With no modification or my touch. Reflecting her I am very angry with myself. As she always is.

I curse me - why I have this fate of being me as I am, why I cannot be like everybody else. With character and substance.

I need not patent my reflexive joy. I wish to multiply and breed and distribute. It is free. shipping charge too is negotiable.

Another secret to keep everyone away from me.

I am suffering - from every disease known to human existing and non existing furthermore I have already told that I am reflexive. 

purpose of my writing as discovered by me

I am sensitive and open to all while insensitive to my sensitivity

alessonincreativewritting

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Intellectual Property Patent of Me

All

I am all -

seen unseen discovered not_discovered imagined not_imagined all-history all-before_history all-future all-after_future Now organic inorganic space atomic subatomic energy theories existing non_existing this all-of-all-universes all-written-words all-not-written-words all-sensible all-non-sensible nothing-is-not-me all-including-me-excluding-nothing including-my-infinite-unlimited-plus-anything-i-may-think-of-later paradox reason impossible possible all-grief all-pain all-pleasure all-sin all-grace all-sacrifice all-grace nothing-excluded-literally

My relationship with all is always

I am immortal and all is immortal

my gravitation force is inescapable

all wishes of all is fulfilled to all satisfaction

my patent is unforgettable permanent

my will is inflexible not-modifiable indestructible not-negotiable always

I am immortal

I am unlimited

any question

saraswati

I am obsessed with Mahabharata Ramayana Veda Vyasa or and Valmiki.

Them I may not read completely but I read many a writer of English completely.

OSHO, I have read a lot but many of his reading were extempore lectures.

I have a term for that. Goddess of learning Saraswati is at the tip of the tongue. Whatever spoken is literature. Brain is constant factory non stoppable factory of ideas and tongue is the instrument of broadcasting and air is the media of communication.

There is nothing important that I write need be read by any. That I have read or written is good enough now it is in the air forever as immortal as me.

IT IS PUBLIC.

There is nothing to hide or to expose. In fact as soon as I thought - it is as immortal as me. It is divine and it is Saraswati. As soon as I heard - it is immortal as import as me. I am the absolute measure - not modifiable.

It is public - I cannot save it or hide it or destroy it - if I try to do that - that doing is immortal along with what I thought.

It is when Saraswati sits on my tongue tip forever.

Immortal is my thought as is. Even when planet has disappeared or universes have extinguished.

Like everything else I have desires uncountable and I instantly fulfill or not fulfill my desires.

What desire matter? What desire requires my action or my attention or further persuasion?

Interview

I have at least 25 calls in week days for jobs by hunters. I usually refrain them asking few question and letting them know my hourly rate and preference for remote work and on-site must be expense paid. One of 25 cross my defense.

I apply and share my resume.

I have about 3 interviews in a week. Global service companies. They talk to me many times. When they do, I know nothing would materialize. Some times it is about seven calls and after that they stop. I do not know the reason.

The other day, it was from TCS. I am very defensive against this company. The person talked to me for two hours. He bent on asking interview questions. It started with commands and then features. I repeated told him, i work with 40 different technologies and I am technology agnostic. Current technologies are too many and they are very cheap. I just look up what they can do. I keep them on my notes and note in my head. He stopped after 2 hours. Saying I am theoretical. Whatever is his conclusion it is OK. Now I start with that answer. Please don't quiz me since my experience is in my notes and books. I have no answer in my head.

I remember about 20 years back I was called by one US company in India. I carried some documents about my software that I recently made. The head wished to copy the same. I did not object. It id the way the patent free of cost whether they develop or not. Apple sued for $1billion from Samsung for infringing their patent of shape of their iphone cover. I went through their patent and wondered how could they be even brought to the court. Samsung lawyer asked if iphone is sold for shape or the contents within the cover. In fact beyond the cover every component within iphone is developed by somebody else. Who can argue with given the premise - usa.

I am digressing.

My most interesting encounter was with the second man in the command. He is a project manager. Much older than his head. He started with my faults. Why I am not employed. My previous company is a very good company. I told him that they broke the basic premise of employer employee relationship. They halved my salary. He gave me surmon it must be your fault. I told him that I shall remember this. He asked me what I shall remember. I repeated - it is my fault that I left xyz company when my salary was halved without informing me. My interview ended.

In my last job the agreement was modified by me that either of us can terminate our relationship without assigning any reason. But must pay for every hours of engagement. i came to know my disengagement on a working day afternoon by phone saying that it ended in a previous week. Nothing much is lost since I was working remote and I have not given them the works i did that day.

All relationship ends without prior notice.