my adventures with my words

My outpourings I know for sure is not understandable to anybody except me. I tried looking at my writing from Ukraine say. I understood nothing what I said.

In the dream this morning I tried to look at Buddha in the context of what I wrote recently. It occurred to me the story of Buddha trying for solution for himself from Old age disease death and hunger did not drive him out of his abundant living within Palace. He was driven out of his prison of luxury into open world of heaven where there is abundance of hardship, disabilities, disease, poverty, hunger and deaths that he did not have to escape. He was totally impressed with his addiction of pleasure and he wanted out. He bribed his way out of the palace gate in a fast horse and put as much distance from prison of pleasure and get lost forever. He did not want anymore of pleasure of flesh - relationships. He did not wish to be a victim of temptation again.

I remember stories of Harshbardhan or Mahavira. They too ran away after gifting away whatever they owned to people and borrowing a shawl from their sisters to hide their public shame. They did not have any desire left for pleasure of flesh and they did not mind exposing their body to world naked and sense the freedom from public and temptation of flesh. I often recollect the story of Mahavir. While on his way out of town he came across a lame who was going for the wealth distribution but delayed. Mahavir gave away half of the shawl and went away with half that was soon snatched away by a thorny bush. Mahavir stopped to fetch but gave up realizing that is no longer required. He is at peace with nothing to hide or save!

All I write for me to read. If I know someone read me, then I again re-read and find out what I tried to say and I could not say. I continue to live in my world that is so very different from everybody's. I think everybody is like me seeking a way out from their prison of familiarity.

Buddha became silent; he did not wish to talk any more of the prison once he obtained his freedom. He put a distance unreachable.

I am no Buddha and I remain prisoner of my memories.

It is very clear that I write for myself for my liberation from my impressions that perhaps is permanent and obsessive. The list is very long. Starting with childhood memories, books, friends, relations, and words and my twisted interpretations. I am filled with illusions always and excitements that I am not able to consume and I wish out. My urgency of freedom cannot wait!

I too like to put a distance to me by miles that I do not have to see my past now or ever. I do not wish to be reminded of my temptations. I hate thinking.

I read stories about Buddha approached by his wife and son Rahul. I can imagine the encounter. Buddha emitting shower of cools to drown all excitement in them.

I wish to imagine the feelings of Rahul meeting first time his father. He sensed first time sweet coolness of freedom in his presence. Buddha is constant source of fountain to quench all thirst. I can imagine this since I have seen one such Buddha and had been in his presence for few minutes.

I wished to be that living Buddha thereafter. Twenty years back I tried to meet him again and I could not. I write since I believe there are others like me, thirsty looking to escape pleasures of flesh. My writings gives them temporary relief even with wrong understanding. They at least may recognize that I am caged bird helpless that cannot break prison of impressions. My struggle is not for equality or existence.

My struggle is for my freedom from memories and I am ready to give up life for that and I am not willing to compromise.

I used to know a retired professor of Mathematics, he was chairman of math at OSU. I was told that he was from ISI. I wrote him an email introducing me and my family. He replied back wrting about himself. He wrote that his link with ISI is via R C Bose under whom he did PhD. RCBose was a student of PCM and did PhD under him. PCM started ISI with 3 research student and RC Bose was one of them.

I met Dwijen Roy Choudhury many times till he shifted to Seattle WA where his son works. Couple of years back I learnt his wife died in Ladak. He went with his daughter to do the last rites. Dwijjenda was quite candid and answered quite frankly. He was worried at OSU, unless he went everyday his room may not be his. He was also very keen to teach. He was worried about his memory. In any party he would sit beside me and ask me if so and so person had this or that name. I am very bad at names. I even struggle with my daughter's name - she has two. While my lack of memory is good omen; Dwijjenda considered it was bad. I have not forgetten Dwijenda after so many years!

I am forever in circles within my memory and cannot escape. Only few minutes back I am reminded by Jamaibabu that I am 68 today. I am as old as Chhorda who was 6 years older than me. I caught up with him. I have already crossed Dada about 6 years back. I am racing to beat my siblings. Chhorda was worried about his online passwords for his bank accounts in the hospital. At last he shared it with Chhordi. He died after a month in the hospital. As soon as he died his money was siphoned away by Chhordi and her son.

Illusion is this world. Innocence is the only right way to live and enjoy.

What does memory-less mean or imply? Is it not Innocence?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorylessness

It is not unreasonable assume that the Planet Earth and its container sets if any including solar system milky-way and universe ....  has memory very extended one ... beginning at before time, Time, and after Time... I wonder by memory I only refer to TIME. It reasonable too The Planet earth and its ancestors are reactive irrespective of whether I have memory or not. It is reasonable too to assume they have a punishment system in place to teach LESSON for insubordination. Their kingship of their domain cannot be toppled.

But I am a rebellion impossible. I do not remember.

What is my expectations given than I completed 68 years tenure in planet earth. I am memory less. Suffering from Alzheimer.

my grief pain pleasure is for this moment only - no matter how impressive they are alas I cannot remember. I have no option but be repetitive.

I impress no one never - not even me.

I am not supported my memory senses body mind intellect planet earth or any of its container sets. 

No matter how badly i am impressed, i cannot remain so for another beyond now. I have one only tool it is my complete inaction no matter how I am provoked.

I do not get provoked.I do not anticipate. I do not predict. I do not get impressed. I do not remember.


I am absolute. I cannot reduce. I cannot expand. I cannot disappear. I cannot appear.

what do any think of my words

sometimes rarely I share my writings and get some comments. I re-read what I wrote. I also clarify some mistakes. At times I am obsessed about my obsessions and I would like to hide. I am playing.

It is truly impossible for anyone to comprehend what I write. My words are simple everyday use no look up for meaning is required in Dictionary. Yet given my images floating before me, them cannot be seen by any besides me any time.

I cannot be comprehensible. In other words, I am my singular reader or audience.

My meaning of my words are images from my childhood; my lonely walks around my surroundings at different times of the day and seasons. My adventures and fears and presumed creatures of wilderness or entities without physical form.

There was a rivulet where I used to go sometime. This was the only flowing water nearby. The water had no depths even during rainy seasons. I could cross it even as a child not even teen.

Some students of my class used to come to our morning school. I am told they carried their books and copies on their head. I used to swallow their stories. In my high school I had many fellow students coming from all over the town. Some from far away villages. Some were older than me. One or two were already married. Our school started with me. It was set up by one Saha Babu who was vice principal and Principal of Day High School. He was childless. He used to teach many batches of students Mathematics at home . He also set up a Kali Mandir in Simjhuri, an adjacent village. It was a village of Santhals. They had ability to make huts from mud with attractive colors and painting on walls and doors and roof with hays. They were farmers. We learnt many things from them. The art of making many rice products. They also could make sugar jaggary and crystals from cane, palm, and dates. There were weekly markets. Market was very thrilling experience. Open market was attractive place to be.

My sister was teacher in a primary school behind the kali temple. I used to go there often whenever her rickshaw did not come. I used to collect bamboo sticks from the village for making fishing rod and flutes. My flutes were all out of tune. There was big mango Grove near by that had some resident person to look after. At least once in a year there used to be big storm. We all children would enter the Grove and collect mangoes in bags.

When I was grown up and visiting my childhood town, I would go out riding my brother's cycle and re-discover the place again. In my childhood I used to go for stone and pebbles collection to nearby hills. They used to blast the hills with dynamite and make smaller pieces with stone grinding machine. There were two kinds of rocks that I used to collect. One is with glassy quartz teeth. The other that could start a fire. When stone is hit with iron metal spoon, it would emit a spark that is caught in cotton lace in a bamboo hollow pipe.

We were inventors of games of all kinds. We just needed a ball. We even improvised ball with clothes, hay, paper, wool, flower and what ever. We also used to invent bats and rackets. We once floated a steel boat from lake. Tried to repair the same and ride. Once it got so overloaded with so many of us that it sank. Fortunately nobody drowned.

Now a days I watch films in Netflix. With rustic wilderness. I have even gone for boy scout hiking tours into wilderness.  I did not get the touch of Nature that I got once from my township in my childhood days.

Market for Technology from US

In USA technology took a dead hit when we started assembling and making mass produce elsewhere outside USA. I along with others saw for ourselves those around us here from India as technical person know nothing about technology; they are screw driver engineers with no knowledge of engineering. Man power was profitable business. The basic insecurity and fear of not knowing any they are being employed for, drove panic across among Indian immigrant. It is always question of survival for India and Indians here who are committed to their residence in USA. Besides a million of them have no legal status. Many came here in training or business visa and did not go back. They are working in Apple, Google, Microsoft and do not even pay income tax. US otherwise so squeezed in worthwhile technical produce had to accept of this business model as long it survives. It is difficult to predict how long this free run of success would last.

We have already lost our technology game in car ship and getting squeezed increasingly in aerospace. Others are soon catching us with rocket and satellite. Our military acumen is only limited in few some countries in middle East. Our military expenditure we can no longer afford. We cannot think of winning any war now or in near future. We cannot afford confrontation with North Korea. Though far away we are worried about our soldiers in Asia.

As it happened we have a real estate business man as our president. He also knows his presidency is too good to last. He depends on funds from abroad to make use of for profit selling in future. Two years about passed his business is not making progress anywhere. Can he buy time?

Although US other than Trump would not want Chinese to dominate electronics or telecommunication market, As it happens bulk of parts within is our devices are being made by them and there is no competition within US. ZTE and Huawei have entered the market within US. Trump blacklisted them and now lifting the ban to the disappointment of backer of 5 trillion US internet companies.

Monopoly of search engine may not last. East Europe can enter the business of search engines and selling of personal information. It is big market of nearly 4 plus trillion. It was not very long ago, in  2004 Google went public. I did not find google good enough to survive. It is iconic now for its business model for PI collection and selling. Encouraged by federal support , it has quickly surpassed all. Now politicians within US are not very comfortable about their PI. It is expected we shall have browsers and OS that is public and protects PI by legislation soon. No amount of lobbying may prevent that.

Amazon retail model of online selling is in for surprise. It shall not be able to sustain market valuation past this year. It has local and global competitors.

Facebook is going to face lot of shutdowns in many countries. Individuals themselves willingly opt out from FB.

We have seen proliferation of Linux OS in Cloud. I am expecting Linus machines from Europe Japan and China in near future. Internet cloud already crowded with providers. Many new entrants are expected to provide VMWare based cloud infrastructure with Cloud Foundry Interface. 

Microsoft is expecting fast erosion of its public worth.

beyond Hallucination

I cannot defend against my hallucination.

My hallucinations are expanse of my illusions - my concept of world beyond what I see - enjoyment from my imaginations - my pleasures from imaginations.

Hallucinations are my pains and fears from hallucinations - my imagined experience of unbearable words from world of people I live in - my ever expanding relations.

Long ago in 1987, I was in STP. I talked about Relationship model to Jyoti and I wrote a program in Prologof the same. Expanse that may take place by virtue of friendship, acquaintance,

No Guaranty.

In this world. Again and again No Matter How Innocent Pure Non-Thinking I am. I shall again and again shall be fooled disillusioned tempted hallucinated drugged abused hurt pained poisoned and maltreated without any defense from my own people or UN-known inhumanly and fatally.

This is the RULE of my world and there is no mercy and no exception.

I may pray I may promise I may not think I may not sense but I cannot change the RULE.

I cannot have moments residence in my world but there is no way to by pass My the RULE. I may be coward and opt out if that choice exists for me. Else I am forced again and again into dishonorable dishonest shameful freedom-less living in my own world till it exists.

My concurrence or my agreement is not required.

I have no option.I have to accept my world as is in silence or screaming that does not matter. I cannot escape dishonor.

Yet I exercise my right to disobey all RULE.

I have no memory ~ I know no rules that includes mines, I have no commitment, I have no response no preparation ~ I am not bothered - I cannot be bothered - no matter what happens to me or my world

I establish My rule: I have no flexibility.. I am Absolute.. All is nothing and not worth my attention or contemplation.

Discovery

No matter what I do or don't, I am peaceful. Further I observe that that I am not on my own. I am play acting or doing as per script. No more than a puppet. Some body showing me and leading me to discover joy of peace.

Non thinking freedom from people. Private living even amidst people.

Abhimunya drawn by Veda Vyasa in Mahabharata knew before birth how to enter the fort of people but did not know how to get out. I too knew how to get into the fort of people by mere listening to pattern of noise made around me. Naturally.

I am discovering now how to get out. It is my compulsion to enjoy my life and without concern what any thinks. I am liberating me from people in my own self directed way. 

Periodically Active and inactive. Observing and discovering my progress but forever subservient to the Master Me and making less and less of me. I have more or less banned myself pleasure from people.

Peace is in my world and me. I am in harmony with my world, more or less - not many memorable incidences I notice.

I am able to enjoy days as they are without trying to exercise or restraining my senses and without passing judgement on quality. I enjoy playing games with children. Teaching Cecilia to draw and reading stories. I enjoy reading technology. I enjoy writing. I enjoy cycling tour of my neighborhood.  gardening. I search for watchable movies without drama.

I have written against companies such as Apple Google Facebook Microsoft Yahoo selling my information for profit. They are asking me now - use it or leave it as only options I must chose. I cannot; in case of Microsoft, I have already invested my time and money so long - starting from 1980. Apple I do not use. I shall soon drop my Yahoo account for email and entertainment. I have dropped out of Facebook. I do not like to be known. Them are monster courtesy Federal money Donation.

I asked Google - I have two accounts there, and I use Chrome browser Android OS in my phone. I use Apps such as Search, Map, Cloud, and this Blog itself - now for about 16 years. My Personal Information Finance Assets Social Security ... Google knows them all. They shall them and they are about Trillion Dollar Company.

According to them, they have about total 12 GB Zipped data on me and about 250 UserId-Passwords in their store. I have downloaded them. How do I restrict them to sell my information? Do I have a choice?

My sincere hope for long - there shall be an Internet Web Index for contents search with interface that is truly useful for Knowledge learning and Research. Wikipedia is very good but it is not WorldWide Search Index Table!

Right now it is Moronic waste of time to make search; unless you are searching to buy something that you already know exists or your purse permits. Any research is impossible. My searches take three hours or more and ends in disappointment always unless I know quite a bit of things of an article.

Search must be possible to locate reading material on a topic, time-period, concept, then-belief, Dewey Decimal Classification,  Language, News Item, Magazines, Reports, Summary, Key-words as we do in a University Library...

Currently Search Engines assume Date Author Title Book ISBN Names Language format publisher and very-restricted-Key-Words. We are listed only 10 remotely useful material in each iteration of searching combined with 20 advertisements. While my expectation for Reported items is above 500 with relevancy measures. This list should further be re-searchable till I get what I am looking for. Today all search engines are intended to aid advertisers only. It is Time Passing Entertainment for all young and old.

Fortunately, I do not use Instagram Whats-app etc. But I use Amazon eBay and other-on-line stores for my purchases. I am about to stop using Amazon for my purchases. I do not care if they collect my PI. That much I am public via Internet Toy making monsters from US. My PI is traded by them - 5 trillion in assets in a 100 trillion world economy. I am trying to be harmonious with them. 

I am trying to be harmonious with my world, me, my disease, and my affected body mind and thinking. I am trying to overcome my losses and by reducing my need. I am in fasting mode. I am trying to be less and lesser. I am trying to live on what I get from my world without asking. I cut my coat as per cloth - availability. I do not ask wish or demand. I wish to be happy always.

I am trying to be silent - noiseless and content.

I am struggling for my Liberation and not my existence or fair share. I wish to be forgotten and without history and without any footprint. Even if there is world after me it shall not have my bones, mummy,  fossil, footprint, or my words  anywhere...

I wish to be without me in my life before my demise.

My aim is my absence. I have to personally see my absence in my world.

My world and me is inseparably related.

Supposing, I am inversely Proportional to my world.  

Absolute = Me / My-World

My-World ∝ 1/Me


In words, 


when I am lesser than less, the world is bigger than big >>> I am free and have plenty.


when I am bigger than big, the world is lesser than less >>> I am prisoner and famished.


Supposing, my world is Proportional to me. I am irreducible indivisible and absent - Absolute - the only constant I know


Me ∝  My-World

What is my world? 

My world is what I think it is with my knowledge experience and words


I am committed to discover and make my world for my people

~ ~ the purest cleanest blissful inexhaustible source of plenty 

~ ~ ~ without me ~ without blemish ~ without future ~ without history ~ without my knowledge ~ without a moment's delay

relationship

I have unbroken life long relationship with myself.

I cannot be separated from it any moment even when I am making relationship with many during the same period and they don't last.

They dry and fall off.

I wish I could break myself off me.

There is no attraction in my world that could remove me from me.

Unbreakable.

I always knew that I have to leave my world and I have to see my departure in reality first dream second and in sleep last.

My gravitational force is infinitely more stronger than earth sun milky-way universe and all universes together.

I am blacker hole than after before or now.

I suck and eliminate existence.

secret

I have a secret that is impossible to tell anyone leave alone showing.

I imagine pleasure that never existed entirely new all by myself.

I imagine in vivid details that I alone can see in any imagined object and in nothing.

I engage into activity to extract heavenly pleasure from that never exists except in my imagination.

I am bluffing myself sensing when there no sensible. While the joy is real (true) as reality (truth) ever can be.

I am the apex of delusion.

I am insane in my own evaluation.

I concur with anyone who thinks me so.

Seeing is believing.

either way I am believer

I cannot believe my blue print 3000 plus genes and in their scattered presence in 23 chromosomes evolved for the elements present in the earth in abundance given it atmosphere naturally out of nothing without any imaginative import of non atomic import.

My disbelieve too is a belief.

I also know my existence is the only substance and experimentally verified universe is magical illusion - non-substance.

Technology

50 more years back i was fond of mathematics numbers ordering limits geometry of my world. I studied statistics it taught me data table and discovery of possible truths. And not truth themselves. I like and loved reasons tools to conclude. Not going on circles in indefinite loop like my blogs are. Repetitive.

I discovered the joy of creating intelligence. Robots purposed to do something otherwise cannot be done manually with the tools available. Programming machines to achieve automation with iteraction with human but  keeping history in infinite storage. Technology evolved to accommodate effortless computing communication and query.

Technology today makes it possible to do utility computing with utility storage and telecommunication. However, we are into circle. There is no improvement on observation and data storage with limitation on reasons practiced by human.

Reasons has become very unreasonable. Technology is a spy to find human activities. This data is used to exploit human frailties as much as drug supplier keeps addicted to addiction. It is destructive. The planet earth has limit that can not be crossed.

We are making queries now on data that can be done and was done 100 years back when statistics was discovered as tool. For concluding with reasonable assumptions about its limited randomness. Normality when observations are far too many.

I do not have publish any. None is waiting to read what I write. Yet my writings are are by 400 plus people in a month. They are preserved too for future. Even though they are trash and waste of time to read.

I am talking about geometry. Circle that is perhaps most original concept after straight line. Circle introduced us to reputation and numbers to count repetitions. Mathematics were born. Waves were not very off. Nor was data. All these again tools of human without relation to reality to create a world based on assumptions and non circular reason but accommodates waves. Assumptions that repeats time and again.

About 40 years back we developed technology to make query using english language very precisely and machines executed them si brilliantly. Technology came to a stand still. They are breaking down the steps automated with manual intervention with steps going one step backward. Decomposing steps into many steps and computing parallel in many computers.

It is not required. Fine we wish to drop the assumptions of randomness 100 years back statisticians that of. It might be totally unreasonable in my world infinite observations on a same object is Not Normal. Say it is very unreasonable to assume earth was circling sun same as present and shall be doing the same always. For me it is normal to think the earth year does vary arbitrarily by days months or years. However our technology developed in earth is not independent of earth. Our units of measuring time remains same based on earth's ticking in our world populated by 6 plus billion people. 

All of us are synchronizing our clocks according to earth's ticks. This not reasonable by me. We are robotic duplicates called humanoid and not free thinking human.

Born on earth is it possible to be anything but earthling.

It is possible to shed off earth completely. 

Lesser than less  -  wordless noiseless tick-less - limit

story versus reality

My hero is my Sejo Mama.

His ever smiling few words. His dress his complexion. His dress his uncomplaining nature and his weather proof habits. His short oiled hair. His Palm shoe. His Long shirt with book pocket. His Dhuti. His Pan. His independence.

I wish to watch him taking insulin injection after bath at late afternoon before meal wearing a blueish Lungi with no expression while talking mundane things to any if present by way of news. His participation in public events unlike all elders - e.g. watching Jatra. His love for plants and trees. He was in abundance and without luxury.

I even admired his death and his sense of enjoyment from his suffering. Before his death he came to see my mother. I was living then at Mudiali. He was casually telling he has a screen in his eyes and cannot see. Some blood vessel had burst. He was waiting for bus. He did not see. Some person pushed him away from the approaching bus coming to stop. He traveled alone without support and lived alone. Several days after he went back to Madhupur, he died.

The night he died I still see in my imagination. He closed all doors and windows to his room. Unlike any other day. The gardener hopelessly watched him gasping for breath before death peering inside through wooden collapsible window. He wished to die without any help. The door was to be broken open next morning. It was natural death. He wished to die naturally without anybody's touch while still alive.

He had no belief no guru no religion no prayer no habit no anger no grief and never preached or talked about himself. He was ever smiling. he respected all his elder brother and his mother. No complaint. he gave up all his property and never visited his ancestral land and was without regret. Hardship was no hardship. He was my teacher.

I was forever taught by my brother Kamal. But Sejo Mama was my hero. I was totally overwhelmed by my brother Gopal for his candid simplicity and friendliness towards all creatures big or small. But I learnt forbearance with out manifestation from Sejo Mama.

With his memory I was so overwhelmed and forgot why I started to write in the first place.

I remember Lali a remarkable pet hen we had. She was old and unable to climb to her sleeping place. She used to come and knock the door. she knew her home and us. she used to wait till we kept her in her den. She did what she was expected to do without expression or flutter, One day she did not come back. I searched a lot in the neighborhood but could not find her.

Mejo Mama had a pet dog. Tom he was too part of the family. One day Tom did not come back.

The most admirable dog was Bagha picked from the street when he was a few days old. He lived for many years about 12. He was a very responsible dog but liked his outings and often ran away.

In my childhood I was not so limited as I am now. I had much broader mind. My family was bigger and greater. I was not shamed to be poor or uneducated and not respected. There was no hunger for public achievement and I had no desire to beat drums to let distant others know.

ascetic do not write a story but live a story.

I have no ability to teach or inspire or transform others like my brothers Kamal Gopal or Sejo Mama. I instead devote myself to transform me. I use my time and every moment of my privileged present birth for my transformation to less and lesser.

My Dharma.

Dharma - properties - parent - child - inheritance - joy

I am the entity that is me unlike all.

My manifestations are: Dharma:

• Root. Memory. Noah's arc. Time. Memory before memory!
• Immortal. Time before birth, after death, before past, after future. Always.
• Absent. Absolute. Nothing. Unlike.
• Inexhaustible. Unlimited. Source!
• Silence. Mute. Inactive. before thought, after thought, before sense, after sense. No Signal.
• Reason. Unreasonable is reason!
• Reflexive. Mirror. I reflect all as is. None is otherwise. Tautology.
• Devoid. Empty. Space. None. Nothing. Truth.
• Permissive. I allow all. I do not stop prevent control annihilate or prohibit.
• Limit. Unlimited is limit.
• Less. Lesser than less is Liberty. Freedom. Stability.
• Joy. Unbearable is bearable. Joy!!

Repitition

I don't wish but I often repeat.

I am supported - I wish or not. I cannot wish when it is.

Being what I am, I imagine heaven and it's bliss privately.

We are in prison or zoo and mated publicly by social norm. I am not for, nor against.

I am not for or against my pleasure, like, or pleasure seeking activities. I am not against sensations I receive.

I do not wish to mean more than what naturally my words mean to me or anyone reads them.

I, when listening, am not silent. I do not deny myself. Words are pleasure some time more than silence. I cannot deny myself my feelings, when I am denied.

I am built with clay made from public words. They become loose and naturally peel off.

I cannot be silently watching loss of me, my body, senses, or words. I become active - thinking writing or doing.

Can I possibly hasten the pace of loss by observing me and my activities without passing any judgement? I aim to reclaim my innocence.

Last evening I did not go back-yard for watering. It was very dry. Some plants, I bought, were about dying. This morning I got up late. Last night's vessels needed to be cleaned. I was not particularly hungry and it was late. Lot of works were pending. I started to water my money and not plant. I am compelled - my attachment to money.

I have a need for what my money can buy. If only some buys my labor. I wish to build a sun room.

Soham has taken lot of courses on machine learning data analysis and hardware design. I, some time, help him doing his assignments. Some and often they are tough even for his teacher. They keep modifying them to make them simpler. I like this attitude. In internet lot of teaching materials are available. They use them. They try later to solve them. Human learning!

Having finished watering. I brushed my teeth. Poured myself some milk. Helped myself some fruits. Last night I called Chandra. She was hungry for my call. I did not talks to her three months. I thought if I could combine multiple calls. It was not possible. I thought that I could be listening to two people talking. My voice carrier may not allow conference call. She has come back from US. She was contemplating shift to Kolkata. I found now she was not sure. Instead she is looking forward to Ayan's support. He may do something about her immigration. She had sad realization that her Delhi support base is better than her support in USA or Kolkata from her son or sister. It was not her emotional but cool thinking. I stopped talking to her. It helped her mind to survive on Present as support than Promise. This time on her own she terminated her call saying go to bed now. She sadly said she has to do all work herself!

I sent a longish SMS to Jamaibabu. One cannot be satisfied by criticizing environment or people. Instead his expectations must reduce after his 87 years tenure in this planet. He talked less, even though repetitive. He was busy eating breakfast sent by his tenant. I called Mejo Baudi and she has not returned from Darjeeling.

Do I have to satisfy my desire no matter how? Am I not trying to be the laziest person on earth and not remain a prisoner of people?

I may wish others to forget; while I have unforgettable memory. I create my world from my memory. 

Memory is my (Noah's) ark!

Can I forget all? Do I need to recreate this planet this universe or this world again? I have memory even after my death! I am immortal.

I am aiming 'no memory'. Inactive. silent.

Complement

Chhorda many a time expressed that my ideas are not original.

Mr. Milhollen once came to me asked if the emulator I developed is real; I took it as complement.

I was pursued by Interra IT to give them a software I developed independently and entirely start to end. I was miserable since I did not wish to be arm twisted by rogues to give away my intellectual property. I take this as complement that I could develop entirely my own. 

I developed some suite of software product that can be secured itself to the media and cannot be duplicated. It was ingenious. I also developed another software to that could protect software in distribution media a finite number of times. I was proud when someone tried to copy the same from Adobe. It was complement.

How much of me is my invention?

I have done thorough reading in the topic of me. I read ancients thoroughly. I read contemporaries thoroughly. That includes Jiddu Aubrey Osho Purana exhaustively.

My appetite for learning about illusion about vanished. I do not any longer read in this topic nor I express my self except in the blogs I write. They are often very repetitive. I have an unique style of my own to talk about me.

I laugh at my stupidity my self importance and vain me.

Professionally I am hopeful of an assignment. I do not know that would be invention of mine or discovery of me by somebody else. Either way I am not very anxious. If this event does not happen it is OK.

I am not expecting my death from poverty as of now. Even when that happens I do not so much care.

As a child I knew a house wife in a corner of a street, who never bothered to meet her neighbors and be friendly. She was childless but always anticipating disease carried by people to her home. If anyone knocked at her door. She waited for a while after the person left and thoroughly cleaned the door and the porch floor with water.

We may not see with our naked eyes but we are very smart in imagining fatal enemies.

I have started taking precautions ever since; even when I am vulnerable and suffering from disease, I do not protect my existence.

Last night there was an insistent recruiter who wished to rewrite my resume for an IBM assignment. I no longer waste my time for IBM. After some time them would stop. For me I am too much of my worth for IBM that is 100% fraud. My experience tells me.

I wish to be employed on the basis of my 7 pages resume and my past works in my words. They must have confidence in my ability to deliver no matter what they desire. I am not going promise any future. I got married without promising and without knowing what I am getting into. My approach to any kind of possible future is always same.

No anticipation. No promise.

I was attacked by my mother just after my marriage. She wanted a promise from me to her that I would not abandon my just married wife publicly before I cross the threshold of her home I was very annoyed. I cannot ever keep any promise independent of my future. I have not left wife as of now. Although she has left me many times at least once a year and sometimes with lot of public announcement. and I never call her back.She returns on her own.

I lied to my mother knowingly. All my promises are always lies.

learning

I observe Joya's children growing up in my premise for 15 years now. Some of them spend initial months in my proximity for various reasons. They could be extremely sensitive in their initial months and making lot of noise. One of them literally resident on my body many hours in the day. She needed proximity of human touch perhaps. There after I saw them crawling standing walking running. I spend usually many hours with them. I take them for walk, play outside etc. Some grow up to be disciplined and also learn in the process quickly. I usually encourage them learning naturally evoked by their curiosity at their pace.

I have seen my son and daughter growing up. Both being in USA had their share of guidance from their friends who guided them from whatever parental atmosphere they grew up. I much later discovered that they belong to no culture or atmosphere of education. My son and daughter left school education to come back to it long after when they realized the path to education from environment although unstoppable but not of comfortable learning. My son came back to school education and rigorous way of learning after about 4 yeas. My daughter barely passed her BS after making changes that needed less rigor and attention. However she did complete her masters after 10 years. She occupation is bio-medical research. My has done BS in Finance and lot of Accounting Programming in Colleges. But he at last got the grip in technology and in final stages of graduation in computer engineering.

Machine can be made to learn in similar way  language movement recognition via education or unsupervised.

It is very useful learning when we can use that information to our desired purpose.

A satellite can be made observe changes and record a territory it is focusing on and recognize not only changes but categorize or recognize the kind of changes.

Somehow the world has come under observation and analysis although it is not desirable. It is now people have no ability not being exploited by profit motive because our use of out technology. Utility companies monitor our usage pattern and like to benefit from monitoring. We have technology to monitor my movement or recognition of my presence pin pointedly. Machine today is given this ability. Future has limitation. It would be possible to chart out my movement outdoor or indoor.

I increasing live on a world being monitored. Machine know about me than I do.

We have now vast possibility of recording data. We can have minute by minute record of images peoples gathering. We can match facial images of one or many human being we may be trying to locate. We can reduce our search to mere 100 and reduce that into 10 likelihood resemblance. All within 10 minutes during the gathering. We can prevent lot of mishaps perhaps if they suspected criminals trying to cause mass disruptions.

Machine learning can be supervised where I have already identified data. A new data can be resembled for close approximation or identification.

This can be very thrilling.

Joya's children are attracted to me for my activities and looking towards that. Cole breaks into smile with my face and runs forward to me. It is his freedom. His is not so quick with his steps and their are other things to explore from height or outdoor. Toys and more toys with different functionalities.

Joy of learning. Joy of my learning.

 

my treasure hunt for infinite supply

As I peel my skin to retrieve my self that support me and my world not being any part of it, I discover ever new me and a transformation of my world that was giving away lot of cadaverous smell from the heap of garbage and a lifetime task for garbage removal but where?

My seeking or searching is changing too.

I search and got the solution - my immortality.

Next, I got my absolute presence and location and my absence in multiple universe and my state in them. I am nothing in the kernel of multiple universes - sensible by my senses that includes my imaginations. I saw my self as not part of any awake dream sleep or an idiot in humanity we call intelligence.

However them were not exactly what I am searching.

I am searching for treasure for luxurious living in multiple universe filled with unavoidable torture scheme practiced. In no universe I know where demand is truly met. All universes I think of is finite.

I cannot be assured of infinite life time. Universe has birth finite life and death. While I am immortal. I must be assured of my pleasure for my immortal existence.

I mined all my universes and my states. sleep dream awake and public living. It is my treasure hunt for treasure that I have; that is me and my infinite pleasure - luxury inexhaustible.

Does anyone searches for this enjoyment that is kernel to all pleasure yet inexhaustible?

This pleasure is kernel to all action including sexual pleasure. This pleasure is kernel to all pleasures of thinking including big-numbers beautiful pleasant comfort paradise and plenty of sensual pleasures.

I cannot wait. My impatience cannot wait for after me or after my worlds. I want this plenty now and I cannot wait to be chief executive of treasury supreme of multiple universes. 

Am I looking for supreme godhood? I do not care for words. I am looking for this treasure right here and now - public or private I do not care. My current status I do not care.

My fate cannot deny me this inexhaustible plenty - if it exist for any at any time - it must be with me now and with out my any doing.

I wish to know in words. So that I can tell about it to any or me in sleep dream awake or that idiot trapped in public opinion.

What is it in words? It is not my immortality. It is not my absence. It is my possession that is permanent and cannot be stolen - it is present within me - immortal and absent. It is infinite supply of pleasure.

What is it?

I am Inactive.

My supreme joy is from my inaction. I do not participate and I never participate in appearance disappearance or in presence of my worlds. I am inexhaustible

I am memory-less incurable inexhaustible immortal absent - source destination identical to all.

Nice to know that I am liar --- all my words are untruth 

I am inexpressible

History

History tells us that even 5000 years ago, we had rampant corruptions. 

Our head of the states were far from unbiased just or practiced equality. Our gods did not mind eliminating any opposition by practicing evil means.  Even now this is continued in all human society. In fact it is taught in the highest of institutions how to cheat people and how to benefit at the expense of any and by any means. New laws are created to benefit who promotes unjust for self benefits depriving millions. This is taught as management principles in elite institutes. 

Nothing is expected to change in next 5000 years. 

Planet earth equally favors all - rule breakers makers or followers. There is no option but align oneself to mother earth and her independent choice of governance of not protecting bad against good. Even if this is uncomfortable for you, you must accept it without option. There is no fairness in planet earth. As long as one is living and breathing in planet earth's polluted atmosphere however suffocating, we must bear the same with appreciation. We must not be complaining.

Nothing can be changed but we must take advantage of the situation and learn from planet Earth. Bad is as much my blood brother as good is.

Belief against belief

I was attacked by waves and waves of sleep. My 24 hours got reduced to few hours only. In that I squeezed in my bath brush cycling and some outdoor with children and sun.

while cycling I realized that I am an image worshiper.

My image.

I tried to disrobe me publicly and privately but I have not yet reached nothing. I am told ancient Egyptians preserved dead bodies chemically soaked with bandages in the coffins under pyramid tombs along with usable material for the dead to use when they wake up again. It looked so silly but then I far more sillier than them.

I am in process of still image building and image worshiper of not yet dead but my own self. My bandages are not chemically soaked and constantly peeling off but I am trying to fix the peeling skins to me who is empty as such in order to make keep an image that never been there.

What about image worshipers in my community that I belong by virtue of being married to Joya.

I have to drive her at least 20 times in a year where some image worshiping is taking place. It is our belief whether I agree or not, there are many superior beings who can be bribed and looking for bribe to change all existing rule in our individual selfish favor if only we show lot of devotion in public with prayers and food lamps drinks fragrance and flower. That celestial power shall in return give us that we don't deserve.

Wealth health possession honor money position. It is our belief. Some selling beliefs make even a kingdom for himself - Pope.

Torn between this belief amidst creatures of human kind. I if I happen to be there remain still. I have no option to do anything else. Often I sleep through the ordeal. I wait till Joya is finished with her devotion and calls me to return her home.

I am looking to do a sun room a studio to build for my winter lazy hours to spend and do some trivial things that I am so good doing. I do not have the money. Is there a celestial being who would listen to my desire if I pray and give money remotely to me for my luxury?

I used to believe that events around me are predetermined and that cannot be stopped or changed. they are certainty as certainty is. My Fate is unchangeable. But now I am trying to bend my belief to please remote capable power who created my fate book to destroy some end pages and rewrite them.

why did That write my desire for more when I am incapable when I do not have time any more or strength? I am too lazy to pray.

I believe my fate cannot be changed. I am per-programmed to see what I see moment by moment and think what I think and I do what I do. I am on a track and cannot derail myself.

Past is unchangeable and unforgettable. Present is unavoidable and unacceptable. Future is unprintable and unknowable to make change.

My expectation is programmed. My not expectation is programmed. I may not know however there is no uncertainty.

Can I still believe in me when none does? Does my believe matter? Am I supported by my belief or supported by me that I no longer believe in?

Joy

Having patented me and I am american living and kicking in america. i can safely tell my secrets.

I have many.

Among other things I am absolutely useless and non matter. I enjoy this tribute of mine when Joya tells me so, I take it as truth and a complement. With raptures of divine pleasures. She is my married wife. I married her without seeing or knowing even her name. I met her family herself in my marriage for the first without any prior knowledge.

But this is not so much of joy as some others are far more thrilling and pleasures unheard of and not available even in Google to know.

I am reflexive.

When I am alone, I let myself go and become the room; or when outside I become my surroundings cars  people ground sky and all in between or market place. After totally being the room or outside, I extend my self to the house through walls doors and windows air light noise And what not; I become all that I sense. And imagine - city country planet universe and many multiple of them that I can alone see. It is me unlimited big.

This is a secret.

If I am in presence of someone, I become cell for cell, thought for thought that person. He or she does not know. This is a secret. But I am patented now. Being american I have nothing to fear - my court will grant me win. I copy everyone and everything. I have just to see it him or her or read anywhere. Including playboy or fake news. Nothing is more needed. I become cell for cell, molecule for molecule, bit for bit, atom for atom particle for particle That as That is.

Among other things I am copy of Joya cell for cell. Her words are my words - syllable for syllable. Her feelings are my feelings - as is. With no modification or my touch. Reflecting her I am very angry with myself. As she always is.

I curse me - why I have this fate of being me as I am, why I cannot be like everybody else. With character and substance.

I need not patent my reflexive joy. I wish to multiply and breed and distribute. It is free. shipping charge too is negotiable.

Another secret to keep everyone away from me.

I am suffering - from every disease known to human existing and non existing furthermore I have already told that I am reflexive. 

purpose of my writing as discovered by me

I am sensitive and open to all while insensitive to my sensitivity

alessonincreativewritting

onceuponatimeiusedtoownagroupcalledisikolkatawhereiusedtocontributeabove50%ofpostingstheywerenotveryreadablewithfulloferrorsandfrequentomissionofpunctuationssomeobjectedmyinsaneoutpouringssoiwroteverylongisharticleof10000lettersexercisingmywritetosaywhateveriwantialsoaskedothersdothesameandbeasmadaspossiblewithoutcaringwhatanymaymakemeaningoutofittheonlytermsandconditionthegrouphadistoexpressfreelywithnoconsiderationhowmuhitmaybeupsettingforanybodyhavingwrittenthearticleileftattheendallthepunctuationsandspacestobeinsertedbymyreadersasperindividualstasteattheendtomypleasantsurpriseadearclassmateofminedidinsertthepunctuationsandspacesandrestoredthearticleforeruditereaderswithsupriorintellect,,,,;;;;;-

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Intellectual Property Patent of Me

All

I am all -

seen unseen discovered not_discovered imagined not_imagined all-history all-before_history all-future all-after_future Now organic inorganic space atomic subatomic energy theories existing non_existing this all-of-all-universes all-written-words all-not-written-words all-sensible all-non-sensible nothing-is-not-me all-including-me-excluding-nothing including-my-infinite-unlimited-plus-anything-i-may-think-of-later paradox reason impossible possible all-grief all-pain all-pleasure all-sin all-grace all-sacrifice all-grace nothing-excluded-literally

My relationship with all is always

I am immortal and all is immortal

my gravitation force is inescapable

all wishes of all is fulfilled to all satisfaction

my patent is unforgettable permanent

my will is inflexible not-modifiable indestructible not-negotiable always

I am immortal

I am unlimited

any question

saraswati

I am obsessed with Mahabharata Ramayana Veda Vyasa or and Valmiki.

Them I may not read completely but I read many a writer of English completely.

OSHO, I have read a lot but many of his reading were extempore lectures.

I have a term for that. Goddess of learning Saraswati is at the tip of the tongue. Whatever spoken is literature. Brain is constant factory non stoppable factory of ideas and tongue is the instrument of broadcasting and air is the media of communication.

There is nothing important that I write need be read by any. That I have read or written is good enough now it is in the air forever as immortal as me.

IT IS PUBLIC.

There is nothing to hide or to expose. In fact as soon as I thought - it is as immortal as me. It is divine and it is Saraswati. As soon as I heard - it is immortal as import as me. I am the absolute measure - not modifiable.

It is public - I cannot save it or hide it or destroy it - if I try to do that - that doing is immortal along with what I thought.

It is when Saraswati sits on my tongue tip forever.

Immortal is my thought as is. Even when planet has disappeared or universes have extinguished.

Like everything else I have desires uncountable and I instantly fulfill or not fulfill my desires.

What desire matter? What desire requires my action or my attention or further persuasion?

Interview

I have at least 25 calls in week days for jobs by hunters. I usually refrain them asking few question and letting them know my hourly rate and preference for remote work and on-site must be expense paid. One of 25 cross my defense.

I apply and share my resume.

I have about 3 interviews in a week. Global service companies. They talk to me many times. When they do, I know nothing would materialize. Some times it is about seven calls and after that they stop. I do not know the reason.

The other day, it was from TCS. I am very defensive against this company. The person talked to me for two hours. He bent on asking interview questions. It started with commands and then features. I repeated told him, i work with 40 different technologies and I am technology agnostic. Current technologies are too many and they are very cheap. I just look up what they can do. I keep them on my notes and note in my head. He stopped after 2 hours. Saying I am theoretical. Whatever is his conclusion it is OK. Now I start with that answer. Please don't quiz me since my experience is in my notes and books. I have no answer in my head.

I remember about 20 years back I was called by one US company in India. I carried some documents about my software that I recently made. The head wished to copy the same. I did not object. It id the way the patent free of cost whether they develop or not. Apple sued for $1billion from Samsung for infringing their patent of shape of their iphone cover. I went through their patent and wondered how could they be even brought to the court. Samsung lawyer asked if iphone is sold for shape or the contents within the cover. In fact beyond the cover every component within iphone is developed by somebody else. Who can argue with given the premise - usa.

I am digressing.

My most interesting encounter was with the second man in the command. He is a project manager. Much older than his head. He started with my faults. Why I am not employed. My previous company is a very good company. I told him that they broke the basic premise of employer employee relationship. They halved my salary. He gave me surmon it must be your fault. I told him that I shall remember this. He asked me what I shall remember. I repeated - it is my fault that I left xyz company when my salary was halved without informing me. My interview ended.

In my last job the agreement was modified by me that either of us can terminate our relationship without assigning any reason. But must pay for every hours of engagement. i came to know my disengagement on a working day afternoon by phone saying that it ended in a previous week. Nothing much is lost since I was working remote and I have not given them the works i did that day.

All relationship ends without prior notice.

Time

I am fond of Time and I waste Time because I am immortal. I have no value of time.

However I am fond of watches and clocks

I have a clock in my corridor that has dial but no hands. There is a red magnetic ball that moves round the clock face. No ticking nothing. You get an approximate idea about time.

If that is not sufficient I have in my front room a metal wood pecker that is pecking at metal wood rectangle black wood every second - no sound though. The clocks two hands move silently around. Clock does not have any dial.

In my bed room I have a watch atomic that projects time on my wall - day and night and I can see the time if I need to with lifting my head by just opening my eyes.

Joya blows conch shell at 6:30 AM in week days.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ih49EH1KA8U

I created many clocks for my desk top in computer. One redefines clock hand movement. Here is one if you wish to use it.
http://kankanroy.bravehost.com/x_clock.html
This is written for IE 7. In current IE 10, 11 or above version, you need to set Document Mode to IE 7 and User mode to IE 7. You can do that by pressing F12.

Here is the Clock: Dial for Local time clock is Anti Clockwise and so is the Hands movement. GMT clock is however Normal.

Day

Morning started being woken up by Joya. She had forgotten to renew her license - it is my fault.

She has forgotten her pin number of debit card - it is another fault of mine.

I had last night working on the possibility to create Sun room. so I started getting phone calls.

Then my routines - bath lunch mails nap cycling reading writing all started taking place haphazardly. I do not care I am some what programmed all is my reflex action.

I no longer listen to background music and postpone my urgency indefinitely.

I remembered a word long forgotten - TAK. Russian engineers used to use it for most problems they were referred to. In those technology embargo days - IBM sold them somewhat old technology to stop them using their software and delay their progress with their own production of IBM plug compatible machines. The machine we received for barter was 52nd computers and it has many many faults. Our engineers truly assimilated maintenance from this machine. We also did unthinkable software making two generation of machines compatible for our software transfer from 2nd generation to 3rd generation IC based architecture and removing all incompatibility.

I learnt the word TAK. It is expression of many sentences with multiple meanings.

- I have seen and lets wait for its manifestation.

- you may ignore for now

- I am not compelled to act on it - it is god's act - it shall be resolved by god

- I cannot be excited ....

there are other words I know in many languages they are Equivalent of TAK.

TAO

Zen

OM

What is my best defense?

Immortality.

What is my best teaching?

Silence.

No matter what, what is my best action?

Inaction

What is my best ability?

Inability.

What is my message?

nothing

War

I am told cold war was won against Russian with no collapse of USSR or communist Russia. I do not understand. I am not very bright. Long before Reagan left WH he was without understanding but he was credited with hero for winning cold war.

USSR is no more but I am told Russian got a president of their choice at WH and ruling USA as they please remote control. Trump cannot be removed.

Many friends of our choice have been eliminated elsewhere such as Saddam Gaddaffi but we could not win any war in last 50 years.

We shall lose trade war for sure with China even before it is started. With our presidents in place - we are going to lose all our wars. We only have dud toy making companies selling hand held toys - $5 trillions and we have $22 trillions debt. In $100 trillion world economy.

It is predictable that we are going to fool ourselves in Korean peninsula too.

Loss of our diplomacy everywhere and no influence anywhere - Muslim communist Europe Asia Africa - we are a big cut out paper tiger trying to frighten the world with our might.

Our President and friends are asking everyone to grease their palms  - Qatar Saudi Russia .... but it is not clear if any one is looking for favor from us.

Tidbits

In order to measure my balance i g out cycling. The day I would fall off the byke I shall know I have lost my balance.

My inability to survive my health wealth my thoughts and passions is too much sadness to bear now.

"I cannot bear my loss and I shall die" is my measure of madness. I go mad trying to prevent this thought.

What is realisable however is my demise witnessed in person by me.

It is impossible to teach how to listen to silence with words. Or sound. Or film. Or images ..... Unless I my self is silent

What is my prime objective?

My silence - no matter what. I am not me otherwise.

What is before past? What is after future?

No matter what - my silence makes me happy most

letter to nikki

Nikki

I have been writing for 50 years or more. I destroyed my dairies. I have dedicated readers. I do not share my past and present writings with them.

I had verily many readers in Facebook for 12 years till I discontinued my account about 2 months back.

I started a group for my Alma mater for sharing ideas. I permanently removed myself 8 years back. It is now perhaps 1000 strong.

I am living without support – independent – without medicine or any kind of assistance as non-conformist naturally for 40 plus years.

I just wished to convey one word message – ‘Enjoy’ by enjoying me and my world and my imaginations.

I have to  enjoy all – discrimination loneliness public love hate sadness disease pain disabilities loss gain past future ultimately NOW

I down loaded most of my writing in Facebook about 3 GB before closing that account.

Writing keep me harmonious with me and my world without any aid. Essentially I am public but not in broadcast mode.

I am nothing.

I am at  equal-distance from all - that includes me my world my perceptions present past future known and unknown

I .. I ..  and I am that.

Are you going to waste your time? Your choice.

Best regards.

Kankan

Money

Money can buy lot of peace of mind. Safety against physical and mental harm but not harm themselves. Money definitely can buy honor envy and respect from people.

I am not against money and I am for money. Money gives me buying power sitting at home. I am against movement. Money may give me luxury of travel. Rolls Royce car for travelling short distances. Home travel by plane. But they do not make me excited.

Money can buy me idleness. But I enjoy working sitting at home working in computer that may have greater enjoyment. I am not good at arts and writing. They may not motivate me that much. I would certainly love a sun room (weather proof) for my studio. I would love that but What is the amount I need to make working from home.

In last 32 years. I worked from home at least 16 years.

I used to be envious of people having money and I did not approve of stealing. I would often remove myself from them. Today I avoid them still but no longer unhappy of their evil methods that I am incapable of practice. 

I accommodate all bends of mind. Pleasure seeking secretly or openly. I would not like still to be physically involved but I do appreciate predatory nature or animal instinct in human being. I appreciate more of them in animal though. Snake lion tiger microbes sharks .... They are beautiful. They evoke thrills in me. I often enjoy horrific fear in me imagining their acts.

Another horrific fear i have - it is that of me. I am trapped into a society expecting me to behave in a manner that I can no longer conform because of my inabilities or otherwise. I am seeking out.

I prefer places no longer inhabited. I would rather live like Henry Thoreau in nature and naturally conforming to nature and not people. Unfortunately I do not have means. Money and physical ability.

The man I met in Badrinath could do the same naturally but it is not possible for me. I may need to cover my body against cold and heat. I need rest room. I need food and drinks. I have urgency that cannot wait.

Money may buy me such luxury along with isolation. But I have no means internally to achieve the same.

Do I have enough money to turn my deck to Sun Room studio with heater to keep me warm during snow and winter months?

I need to find out.

1000 plus years

In the modern time of large numbers, I am not very impressive unless I say that I have 2000 years detailed minute by minute plan for my life in the planet earth.

Ancient Hindus usually stopped at 100 years life time while talking about immortality of my inner mind or essential me that knows no birth death wear and tear.

With my perspective of the world, I find it necessary to plan for many births deaths events and illusions of many realities in many universes of many finite and infinite kinds of existence.

Simultaneous Tenures in multiple universes and imagination of different kinds without any intersection with the 4 choices I may have in current terrestrial life - sleep dream awake and unthinking idiot. Simultaneously living life of many forms and kinds may not be limited by power of imaginations from this universe with limited senses.

I am resident and multi - tenant in multiple universes of infinite appearances of infinite or finite kinds with many senses and sensitivities disease discomforts and pains and torture physical mental deprivations thinkable and unthinkable and unlimited kinds Not known in our world.

I know that I cannot be determined or willed either to make any choice. I cannot care even if I care.

I cannot hope for escape no matter how many times I go insane diseased abused humiliated punished even when my senses cannot bear. I cannot care even if I care and suffer diarrhea Alzheimer amputation deprivation or rolled partially by road roller yet alive. I have to continue.

Even after death I have to continue.

I shall make the long story short.

Given my immortality, and mortality of universes and finite number of creatures in universes however of many choices and variety it can be infinitely boring repetitions - I have to chose for the  sake of variety many living forms unworthy of me - such as life of parasite microbe reptiles or plant even inorganic and other forms.

I cannot stick to honesty and other moral values for superior trouble free living when human. I cannot be believer nor non believer. I have to, on my own, opt for poverty lack of provision and hardship. I can no longer remain my creator but be created by devils with deformity and subject myself to painful living in all infinite forms ~ being immortal.

Immortality, in a way, is a curse. All is mortal except me. And I have no choice but live all forms of life and bear all sensitivity and unpleasantness not known to anyone.

Because of my immortality I have no option but belong to all classes - religions all sexes all groups and commit all sins available to me within that group. I have to suffer in all hells prescribed in that group for finite or infinite length of time again and again.

Immortal as I am. There is no hope of escape no clemency ~ not from me. Infinite times I shall be lynched in all worlds in all forms by me without choice.

Truth is not me my thought or my world. Truth alone has no alternative. truth (all as is without words) need necessarily be my joy; is there an option being immortal?

Mejo Baudi

Last night I talked to jamaibabu. I do not follow and do not ask. I came to know there were lot of storm . He partly mentioned about shantu. I did not follow.

I called Mejo Baudi. 

I got up from a dream where I was searching for joya. My only constant for 35 years. I cannot find her.

I saw myself insane and I do have no support in my world. I cannot break my spell of nerve chilling expectation of being lynched live 

Mejo Baudi went to attend Shantu's eldest daughter marriage. They live now in Delhi with their two daughters. All livings from Kakku's branch came to marriage. Jhumurdi daughter and her child. Nupurdi son daughter and their children. Nantu do not have children. All were there.

All my relations are in place.

I remember this is fourth time I went insane out of fear - s k j j

Self doubt. 

can I be my self alone without defense without relation or terrestrial tie?

I have to live with my madness now permanently consciously. It is no more mere doubt.

what can I expect - given my status? can I deliver my promise of silence and acceptance without resistance?

inaction - silence - always without another thought - illusion is not in my control so is my silence ~~ I am dummy I have no preference or will

Source

Sources of joy mine is finite. I can group them into one.

Thinking seeing doing eating drinking roaming excreting envying buying selling saving losing possessing acquiring suffering winning losing sex talking composing creating imagining sleeping dreaming preventing killing hurting .... Giving and searching for new joys ...

The joy of yet unknown that is unexpected. Can perhaps too grouped into forimer class of joy.

I remain invisible both unknown and known for my 67 years of life - subterranean nothing known creator of illusion and illusion itself

the rule

the one and only rule for my freedom from my world is my silence no matter what

I have to sense without option

I am sensitive without option

I have to be silent without option

I am dummy ..... I am absent ..... I cannot be present .... I am one and only parent of my world  ... I cannot prevent me ... it is impossible

alignment with reality

My joy of living can be diminished with tolerance and living within my limitations - physical mental, and intellectual and my vulnerability to unpredictability.

I have been shaken to the core not even able to predict collapse even 15 minutes.

I have to optimize recurrence of such collapse. Must to take adequate precaution. In Calcutta when I was suffering from diarrhea I could reach hotel during urgency. This time I could not predict my safety of travel even 15 minutes earlier. In other words. I must not even start unless I can hold my self for two hours predictably.

How I do that.

After breakfast I must wait for one year to make perfectly sure. Or no breakfast.

I move to toilet at least 15 minutes before it is urgent and wait.

Remuneration is not important, I must stick to remote job.

On site job I must have my own accommodation and flexibility to work from home and home diet and my own transport.

I must be able to quit with notice.

My independence in all matter of Project execution - I am not working for money and can not accommodate or compromise.

I have no bottom line no promise

Predictable

How to predict without knowledge?
New born baby without any knowledge of public is unpredictable and public cleans the baby.
I have passed that stage. If I do that I shall be put in hospital and I cannot afford it! There is cost involved. The infrastructure that I have built around me cannot support the same.
Health not permitting I cannot take assignments where my unpredictable natures call no office of public may support it.
I cannot attend any office of public and attend office.

I cannot conform to exact office hours if I take up any assignment. My health today does not permit the same.

Passing thought .... do i care ... for meaning.... does it matter even if it becomes true once in a while...

My illusion of me i cannot sustain in the midst of my world working against my total demise. I know.

Rare thought

That a person never meeting anyone forgotten to his world doing what most can be done by anyone.

He is superman.

What is value?

He requires nothing. He is indeed creator of his world and he is absent. The miracle man.

truth and false

I did not create me - a fraud. However I created lot of very powerful enemy. they are unstoppable and in the process of ruining me. the moments of relief from my painful destruction of health wealth mind spirit and life is when I am unable to sense my world by the grace of my master remote from me and my world of thoughts - battle plan to survive and buy some time of existence.

i wonder what makes so interesting for my fraudulent living that I would like another moment to think another thought.

yesterday I again saw a film of Satyajit ray - Sakha Prosakha. off springs of an honest and successful person are addicted to dishonesty. I was reminded of this film since i saw an Hindi film of unknown director. last generation is living in west has no time for his parents and only contemplating of inheritance. He was finally driven away from his right by his parent and grand parent. they preferred a non-relation to inherit instead of their biological descendant.

Satyajit of course touched a philosophical outlook. Is activity in any way superior to inactivity? What activity is desirable? Honesty vis-a-vis selfish secretive possession.

what more?

what more to achieve?
Have I not experienced enough?
Have I not thought enough?
Have I not lived enough?
Have I not done enough?
Have I not slaved enough?

for my master

who is my master public that surround me and make me do

fear is the key

I can no longer respectable member of any set

I cannot cover my body any longer - physically unable

I cannot my living space clean and not smelling - physically unable

I cannot create sweet nothing and earn - physically unable

I can no longer compose - physically nothing

....

I made to the PNC to revive my business account.
It ended long ago. I had a check to deposit. the person who handles business account was not available. I tried calling Huntington Davide Salti but he was unavailable. my other choice was us bank. this bank has my funds for Soham's education. It took nearly 3 hours to open the account. At the end I deposited my check from Sri Tech. All these hassles were not necessary if the check was in my own name as was promised.

surroundings keep makes many impacts with so many defense system that is in place protect some one very vulnerable that do not exist and never existed except all these defense was built on it. It is ground or underground.

I live outside my world and absent. I cannot be present no matter how much I may try.

My world is my hallucination. I am totally devoid of senses.

I cannot device no means no temptation to prod me to life or response. 

what is public me?

I go to a market place or office. Most people I do not know. Some I do not even not introduced to but I know their role of service in case I need to use their service.

I need to conduct myself in a way conforming to rules and terms and conditions. I may not even know. I may make noise with or without purpose or be silent and observing.

I learn more of terms and conditions of public interaction as time passes. My familiarity.

What happens when I do not follow terms and conditions of the public place? I may be refused entry or accommodated or I am imprisoned punished physically banned till I learn to conform?

I may remember but I may be suffering idiot - I suffer but do not learn. I do not recognize public.

I am a rebel and I have commitment for life time to be so...

Do I become PRIVATE?

I saw a private person but he too in order to relieve himself walked several miles to privacy of boulder. I followed him to his secret place despite he never looked at me on his way. Then he went to bath in river and followed him there. I invaded his privacy although he was not engaged in publicity or even any public inter action. I then hunted him out when he was privately doing his public work - answering letters. I entered his open air office away from public and sat down to watch him uninvited.

What is my terms and condition for public? Can I invade forcibly into anyone else privacy?

I am confused.

Once upon a time I tried to enter into private relationship. I realized public consent is required for such relationship plus willingness to participate by other party. This cannot happen however urgent or must for me.

There is nothing called private relationship. All relationship is public and under prevailing norm of engagement.

I can have no privacy and not entitled to one.

bangabandhu

https://www.indiatoday.in/world/story/bangladesh-s-first-satellite-bangabandhu-i-on-its-way-to-orbit-1232479-2018-05-12

zte

I bought axon zte in 2016 December. I usually take suggestion from soham befor buying any electronics. I am usually very out of date. He told me about zte. I further searched internet for customer satisfaction and rock bottom price. ultimately i bought it about 18 months back. earlier i used use palm pixie. it was good for many of my purposes - sms mails but not adequate. I needed a gps internet browser in my phone. I do not want to carry laptop all the time. I really do not like its weight away from my room.

I was really surprised by this phone. It is good and always. I of course dropped it many times. it did not die! My laptop is also China made Lenovo. I wonder if not all electronics are made in China. Several days before Soham told me that i have to switch from zte.

I roared never.

I sadly came to know ZTE has stopped producing phone since they no longer can get Qualcomm mobile chip in their phone. I was thinking how long it would take for them to make that chip in China. Today I read that China have flown their successful indigenous passenger plane. But in the evening news I saw Trump has lifted the ban of ZTE importing mobile chip for seven years!

I remember the days IBM or other US computer technologies banned for USRR. They fairly closed the gap of producing their own computers and significantly helped by IBM themselves selling their technology underground to them.

US Corporations are helped by the Government to swindle US citizen. Otherwise we cannot have such worthless companies making Toy and controlling 5 trillion US Economy with 22 Trillion debt. Every year it is more than 0.5 trillion debt to single Country - China.

5 trillion companies are Apple Google Facebook Microsoft and IBM - the toy makers!

Toy r us when got wiped out nobody shed any tears. But to keep AGFMI live shall be total destruction of any technology advantage US may have. We have Linux universally more popular than any OS from US. We shall have far more useful Search engine from elsewhere. We shall have Linux mobile OS  surely in next few years from elsewhere. Google iPhone Facebook predictably shall not be used in Asia and Europe except India.

US shall be producing meat and corn for rest of the world and competing in energy market with Iran Russia and OPEC countries.

Our combined military capability is already in third place after China and Russia.

Measuring my enjoyment

what is the scale of measure of enjoyment?


This must be based out of NOW. Memory is so deceptive and failing. Measuring unit scale must be standard absolute available and now.

Joy of Now must be pure and not distorted and independent of time and place and not based out of expectation but actual possession of Joy.

Now,

Am I happy with me? What shall make me happy?

Am I happy with my surrounding? What must change in my surrounding shall make me happy?

Am I happy about my wealth? What wealth shall make me happy?

Am I happy with my health? What change in my health and body shall make me happy?

Am I happy with my mind? What change shall fulfill my mind to make me happy?

Am I happy with my knowledge? What more knowledge of what kinds shall make me happy?

Am I happy with my experience? What more experience or what kinds shall make me happy?

Am I happy with my occupation? What occupation shall make me happy?

Am I happy with my intelligence? What more Intelligence shall make me happy and their kinds?

Am I happy with my possessions? How much more of possession shall make me happy?

Am I happy about my longevity? How much more of life I need if I am not happy?

It was Homer who wrote in Iliad the story of invincible Achilles dipped in river Styx separating dead and live holding by his left heel. Achilles was invincible except for his heel - the only hole in his armor.

My measure of me?

11 holes in my immortality and permanent joy at my heart that springs out and leave me in permanent grief with disappearance of Now and  joy of living?

Can I believe in numbers and its strength, uniqueness, or their order or measure knowing their inability to reach infinity?

Only dead has no holes and nothing to lose.

Who reads me?

In US it is only Google and me.
I wonder who in Europe or east Europe.
In Canada Kanti perhaps or Sastry or Sayeed may be.
In India it is Buron.
Poland or Syria - I am baffled.

I once shared my posts to 15/20. Ever since I had no reason to be read by any.