My outpourings I know for sure is not understandable to anybody except me. I tried looking at my writing from Ukraine say. I understood nothing what I said.
In the dream this morning I tried to look at Buddha in the context of what I wrote recently. It occurred to me the story of Buddha trying for solution for himself from Old age disease death and hunger did not drive him out of his abundant living within Palace. He was driven out of his prison of luxury into open world of heaven where there is abundance of hardship, disabilities, disease, poverty, hunger and deaths that he did not have to escape. He was totally impressed with his addiction of pleasure and he wanted out. He bribed his way out of the palace gate in a fast horse and put as much distance from prison of pleasure and get lost forever. He did not want anymore of pleasure of flesh - relationships. He did not wish to be a victim of temptation again.
I remember stories of Harshbardhan or Mahavira. They too ran away after gifting away whatever they owned to people and borrowing a shawl from their sisters to hide their public shame. They did not have any desire left for pleasure of flesh and they did not mind exposing their body to world naked and sense the freedom from public and temptation of flesh. I often recollect the story of Mahavir. While on his way out of town he came across a lame who was going for the wealth distribution but delayed. Mahavir gave away half of the shawl and went away with half that was soon snatched away by a thorny bush. Mahavir stopped to fetch but gave up realizing that is no longer required. He is at peace with nothing to hide or save!
All I write for me to read. If I know someone read me, then I again re-read and find out what I tried to say and I could not say. I continue to live in my world that is so very different from everybody's. I think everybody is like me seeking a way out from their prison of familiarity.
Buddha became silent; he did not wish to talk any more of the prison once he obtained his freedom. He put a distance unreachable.
I am no Buddha and I remain prisoner of my memories.
It is very clear that I write for myself for my liberation from my impressions that perhaps is permanent and obsessive. The list is very long. Starting with childhood memories, books, friends, relations, and words and my twisted interpretations. I am filled with illusions always and excitements that I am not able to consume and I wish out. My urgency of freedom cannot wait!
I too like to put a distance to me by miles that I do not have to see my past now or ever. I do not wish to be reminded of my temptations. I hate thinking.
I read stories about Buddha approached by his wife and son Rahul. I can imagine the encounter. Buddha emitting shower of cools to drown all excitement in them.
I wish to imagine the feelings of Rahul meeting first time his father. He sensed first time sweet coolness of freedom in his presence. Buddha is constant source of fountain to quench all thirst. I can imagine this since I have seen one such Buddha and had been in his presence for few minutes.
I wished to be that living Buddha thereafter. Twenty years back I tried to meet him again and I could not. I write since I believe there are others like me, thirsty looking to escape pleasures of flesh. My writings gives them temporary relief even with wrong understanding. They at least may recognize that I am caged bird helpless that cannot break prison of impressions. My struggle is not for equality or existence.
My struggle is for my freedom from memories and I am ready to give up life for that and I am not willing to compromise.
I used to know a retired professor of Mathematics, he was chairman of math at OSU. I was told that he was from ISI. I wrote him an email introducing me and my family. He replied back wrting about himself. He wrote that his link with ISI is via R C Bose under whom he did PhD. RCBose was a student of PCM and did PhD under him. PCM started ISI with 3 research student and RC Bose was one of them.
I met Dwijen Roy Choudhury many times till he shifted to Seattle WA where his son works. Couple of years back I learnt his wife died in Ladak. He went with his daughter to do the last rites. Dwijjenda was quite candid and answered quite frankly. He was worried at OSU, unless he went everyday his room may not be his. He was also very keen to teach. He was worried about his memory. In any party he would sit beside me and ask me if so and so person had this or that name. I am very bad at names. I even struggle with my daughter's name - she has two. While my lack of memory is good omen; Dwijjenda considered it was bad. I have not forgetten Dwijenda after so many years!
I am forever in circles within my memory and cannot escape. Only few minutes back I am reminded by Jamaibabu that I am 68 today. I am as old as Chhorda who was 6 years older than me. I caught up with him. I have already crossed Dada about 6 years back. I am racing to beat my siblings. Chhorda was worried about his online passwords for his bank accounts in the hospital. At last he shared it with Chhordi. He died after a month in the hospital. As soon as he died his money was siphoned away by Chhordi and her son.
Illusion is this world. Innocence is the only right way to live and enjoy.
What does memory-less mean or imply? Is it not Innocence?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorylessness
It is not unreasonable assume that the Planet Earth and its container sets if any including solar system milky-way and universe .... has memory very extended one ... beginning at before time, Time, and after Time... I wonder by memory I only refer to TIME. It reasonable too The Planet earth and its ancestors are reactive irrespective of whether I have memory or not. It is reasonable too to assume they have a punishment system in place to teach LESSON for insubordination. Their kingship of their domain cannot be toppled.
But I am a rebellion impossible. I do not remember.
What is my expectations given than I completed 68 years tenure in planet earth. I am memory less. Suffering from Alzheimer.
my grief pain pleasure is for this moment only - no matter how impressive they are alas I cannot remember. I have no option but be repetitive.
I impress no one never - not even me.
I am not supported my memory senses body mind intellect planet earth or any of its container sets.
In the dream this morning I tried to look at Buddha in the context of what I wrote recently. It occurred to me the story of Buddha trying for solution for himself from Old age disease death and hunger did not drive him out of his abundant living within Palace. He was driven out of his prison of luxury into open world of heaven where there is abundance of hardship, disabilities, disease, poverty, hunger and deaths that he did not have to escape. He was totally impressed with his addiction of pleasure and he wanted out. He bribed his way out of the palace gate in a fast horse and put as much distance from prison of pleasure and get lost forever. He did not want anymore of pleasure of flesh - relationships. He did not wish to be a victim of temptation again.
I remember stories of Harshbardhan or Mahavira. They too ran away after gifting away whatever they owned to people and borrowing a shawl from their sisters to hide their public shame. They did not have any desire left for pleasure of flesh and they did not mind exposing their body to world naked and sense the freedom from public and temptation of flesh. I often recollect the story of Mahavir. While on his way out of town he came across a lame who was going for the wealth distribution but delayed. Mahavir gave away half of the shawl and went away with half that was soon snatched away by a thorny bush. Mahavir stopped to fetch but gave up realizing that is no longer required. He is at peace with nothing to hide or save!
All I write for me to read. If I know someone read me, then I again re-read and find out what I tried to say and I could not say. I continue to live in my world that is so very different from everybody's. I think everybody is like me seeking a way out from their prison of familiarity.
Buddha became silent; he did not wish to talk any more of the prison once he obtained his freedom. He put a distance unreachable.
I am no Buddha and I remain prisoner of my memories.
It is very clear that I write for myself for my liberation from my impressions that perhaps is permanent and obsessive. The list is very long. Starting with childhood memories, books, friends, relations, and words and my twisted interpretations. I am filled with illusions always and excitements that I am not able to consume and I wish out. My urgency of freedom cannot wait!
I too like to put a distance to me by miles that I do not have to see my past now or ever. I do not wish to be reminded of my temptations. I hate thinking.
I read stories about Buddha approached by his wife and son Rahul. I can imagine the encounter. Buddha emitting shower of cools to drown all excitement in them.
I wish to imagine the feelings of Rahul meeting first time his father. He sensed first time sweet coolness of freedom in his presence. Buddha is constant source of fountain to quench all thirst. I can imagine this since I have seen one such Buddha and had been in his presence for few minutes.
I wished to be that living Buddha thereafter. Twenty years back I tried to meet him again and I could not. I write since I believe there are others like me, thirsty looking to escape pleasures of flesh. My writings gives them temporary relief even with wrong understanding. They at least may recognize that I am caged bird helpless that cannot break prison of impressions. My struggle is not for equality or existence.
My struggle is for my freedom from memories and I am ready to give up life for that and I am not willing to compromise.
I used to know a retired professor of Mathematics, he was chairman of math at OSU. I was told that he was from ISI. I wrote him an email introducing me and my family. He replied back wrting about himself. He wrote that his link with ISI is via R C Bose under whom he did PhD. RCBose was a student of PCM and did PhD under him. PCM started ISI with 3 research student and RC Bose was one of them.
I met Dwijen Roy Choudhury many times till he shifted to Seattle WA where his son works. Couple of years back I learnt his wife died in Ladak. He went with his daughter to do the last rites. Dwijjenda was quite candid and answered quite frankly. He was worried at OSU, unless he went everyday his room may not be his. He was also very keen to teach. He was worried about his memory. In any party he would sit beside me and ask me if so and so person had this or that name. I am very bad at names. I even struggle with my daughter's name - she has two. While my lack of memory is good omen; Dwijjenda considered it was bad. I have not forgetten Dwijenda after so many years!
I am forever in circles within my memory and cannot escape. Only few minutes back I am reminded by Jamaibabu that I am 68 today. I am as old as Chhorda who was 6 years older than me. I caught up with him. I have already crossed Dada about 6 years back. I am racing to beat my siblings. Chhorda was worried about his online passwords for his bank accounts in the hospital. At last he shared it with Chhordi. He died after a month in the hospital. As soon as he died his money was siphoned away by Chhordi and her son.
Illusion is this world. Innocence is the only right way to live and enjoy.
What does memory-less mean or imply? Is it not Innocence?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Memorylessness
It is not unreasonable assume that the Planet Earth and its container sets if any including solar system milky-way and universe .... has memory very extended one ... beginning at before time, Time, and after Time... I wonder by memory I only refer to TIME. It reasonable too The Planet earth and its ancestors are reactive irrespective of whether I have memory or not. It is reasonable too to assume they have a punishment system in place to teach LESSON for insubordination. Their kingship of their domain cannot be toppled.
But I am a rebellion impossible. I do not remember.
What is my expectations given than I completed 68 years tenure in planet earth. I am memory less. Suffering from Alzheimer.
my grief pain pleasure is for this moment only - no matter how impressive they are alas I cannot remember. I have no option but be repetitive.
I impress no one never - not even me.
I am not supported my memory senses body mind intellect planet earth or any of its container sets.
No matter how badly i am impressed, i cannot remain so for another beyond now. I have one only tool it is my complete inaction no matter how I am provoked.
I do not get provoked.I do not anticipate. I do not predict. I do not get impressed. I do not remember.
I am absolute. I cannot reduce. I cannot expand. I cannot disappear. I cannot appear.
I am absolute. I cannot reduce. I cannot expand. I cannot disappear. I cannot appear.
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